My Night as a Make-A-Wish Kid

Not really, but when my friend, Paul, called up and let me know he'd gotten the Z06 (ie, traded his 7-series BMW for this roommate's Corvette for a week) and he'd be over in 20 minutes I felt as if I've rubbed Aladdin's lamp.

To be exact, it's been 24 long, lonely years since I last got a put a 'Vette through it's death paces. Back then the Corvette was the 2nd fastest production car in the world but only churned out 245-horsepower-- less than the hp in my wife's granny-wagon Infinity I35.

I could not anticipate that when Paul pulled into my driveway that it would sound like someone had asked the gentlemen to start their engines at a NASCAR event.

Paul and I cruise around a while, talk a bit, let the other person know how phucked up their stories are... Let me digress, when Paul and I talk there's a general homicidal agreement (to which we've both consented) that what's said between us stays between us. You always need a friend like the Wolf who's gonna be there for the really crazed stuff you need to talk about, and for me that's Paul. Regarding the homicide pact. Paul and I actually have an agreement that if the other is mentally incapacitated and starts divulging secrets then they have permission to kill the that person. "Sorry, LP. Gary is in stage 4 Alzheimer's and he's running his mouth too damn much. Go ahead and say goodbye, now. [Puts pillow on my face and strokes my hair] Shhhhhh, go to sleep. It's okay. Go to sleep, buddy."

Paul shows me what the car has then invites me to take control. Keep in mind, this is a true supercar-- not one of the cutie cars like a Mustang GT where I can abuse it and never feel like my life is on the line. I need a little coaching. Paul helps out with shift points, etc.

Not that you really have to worry about shift points when you blast through 60 mph in first gear. This car will launch you up to 60 mph in about 3.5 seconds. The feeling of going that fast that quickly is like my friend Big Bill throwing you against the wall (or through it) [see below pic].

We hit the interstate headed towards midtown Memphis, rolling easy when Paul suggests "okay, you're in 4th. I need you to drop it to 3rd and let's go." I'm a good student so I do as instructed. I find it inconceivable that one would need traction control while punching it at 60 mph, but when I drop to 3rd gear and absolutely bury the gas pedal I know we were gonna take this car straight off the road if we didn't have it. I figured this car's forte was gonna be low end. Bad wrong. As hard as I just push the gas pedal, this thing pushes right back. I am absolutely blurry-eyed; my kidneys are bruised from getting pressed back into the seat so hard. You can't even count the single numbers on the Heads-Up Display-- you just see the speedo read 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, "SHIFT !" barks Paul, 110, 120 and we tickle 130 before the once distant cars in front of us are now on our front bumper. Before giving the steed back to Paul I tell him that I feel like a Make-A-Wish kid whose dream was to drive a nice car for the night.

We cruise a little longer and find a few 'necks in Mustang SVTs to bitch around with-- sick, sick, sick. At 100 G's you better get a car that's gonna set everyone straight, and this thing does. It's not even a fair racing this thing against mortal cars.

So I know what you're thinking, which is better? The question, right? Well, let's just say I've never cried after "secks" but I got pretty teary-eyed after hammering this fiberglass honey around. Yeah, it was that good. Time for a smoke.

My baby. I want to lay you down on a bear-skin rug by the fire and make sweet love to you...


Imagine angering this man and having him throw you against the wall. That's what 0-60mph feels like in the Z06


The "next" Z06-- a stock ZR1 tops 205mph in Germany. This is just like Paul and me, except replace the helmets with baseball caps and the laptop with a 40 oz. of Olde English.

Things I Learned During an Oil Change

I went to my local Toyota dealership to get an oil change on Tuesday.

They have a nice little waiting area with a television, upon which they'll have it tuned to things like local news... and Jerry Springer.

I've never actually seen an ENTIRE episode of Jerry Springer so this proved to be a great opportunity to expand my horizons.

I'm sure there's a whole psychology that could be blogged about regarding Springer guests, but here's a snippet of what I learned from this one episode.

Do not wear shoes
Guaranteed you'll be fighting with someone on Springer so the shoes appear to be the first thing to get dumped. Also, it's usually women fighting so apparently the high heels get in the way

And speaking of fighting...
Fighting skill is not a prerequisite
Flailing around madly while you try to pull someone's weave out is perfectly acceptable.

You must have a Southern drawl
I guess a Northeastern accent does not come across as being nearly ignorant enough. You gotta have the twang.

They are never my spouse, fiance or girlfriend/boyfriend...
They are always "my man" or "my bitch".

Repeat after me...
"Oh, heyull no !!!" You'll use this one quite a bit, especially when "your man" comes trotting out on stage with "his bitch". You can even combine keywords like "oh, heyull no !! Not with my man !!"

Fatness
At least one person on stage at any given time must be grossly obese. Bonus points are in order if this person rips their shirt off and screams violently at others "Oh, heyull no! Who you calling fat? I give my man [there's that phrase again] all he can handle!"

Anger
A healthy dose is great for the show. How many happy people are there on this show? I didn't get to see a single one-- except for the dude with the food fetish who was pouring a 1 gallon drum of cheese dip on his ho. He looked happy. Unfortunately, his ho was not the same person as his wife. Awwwwwwkward.

Secrets
Take the deepest, darkest secret you can imagine that you have to tell your bitch or your man. Some secret that would shake the foundation of anyone's life-- then fly to Chicago to tell your significant other on national television. People appreciate that. Really, they do. So much that they kick their shoes off and start pulling each other's weaves.

Looseness
Despite the fact that you've slept with 45 men (well, 45 is all you can remember) and have 9 children, all with last names, the girl attempting to take your man is the "no good slut". Remember, you're neither loose nor obese.

Employment
Hahahaha! Really? Do you honestly think you can be gainfully employed and still commit the shenanigans that'll get you landed on Springer? Oh, heyull no. This kinda trashiness is all about a 24/7/365 commitment.

Teeth
Optional

Mate Selection
You have to exhibit a completely random taste in mates. Though your current bitch may be slim (ya know, from all the meth) and blonde (not real), it's a good bet that the girl you're trotting out on stage resembles a brown-haired yak more than a real woman.

The Election Picture Got So Much Clearer (or Clearified)

I know for whom I'm voting !!

I Hope You One Day Have Children That Act Like You !!

Remember that curse from our parents? The hope that one day we'd be able to get a little taste of Hell that we dished out upon our parents?

If I'm lucky enough to move into a management position I assume I'll have the unfortunate experience of managing someone like me.

God bless my manager. He's the friggin' best and he really doesn't deserve the things I do to him. But he takes a joke well so I have to dish it out a little bit.

We got these new fancy flat panel monitors and my manager hated it that everyone in my department used $2 phone books to prop up our nice monitors. So today he comes around and passes out like 10 monitor stands for everyone. Here's how I chose to use mine:



Someone told me that the term "idiot" was uttered at least once when he saw my setup.

The Day The Wii Jumped the Shark

I was at Costco.com the other day and saw a pic of the new Nintendo Wii.

Gawd, talk about a crappy new design.



Here's the link if you really want to buy one of these units-- you Wii Tard.

New Memphis Job Posting - Get It While It's Hot

Thanks Terry T.

Confidential Employer
Bingo Supervisor
BINGO SUPERVISOR North Mississippi Bingo Hall has an open position for an experienced BINGO SUPERVISOR. The successful candidate must be trustworthy, be able to manage employees, inventory and cash handling, and have excellent customer relations. Candidate must be able to maintain compliance with all Mississippi Gaming Commission regulations. Please send cover letter and resume to: BOX 694 The Commercial Appeal 495 Union Avenue Memphis, TN 38103 EOE/MFHV

Google Maps and Memphis Isolation -- The Comments

I'm not gonna steal anyone's thunder since Alissa has promised to blog about the lack of Google Street View for Memphis. However, I found the comments to the article in our local paper to be priceless. Enjoy.

Comments
Posted by spamidohate on July 14, 2008 at 12:32 a.m. (Suggest removal)
When Google doesn't even want to come to your town you know something is wrong....

Herenton is what is wrong.

It is actually the people in Memphis - but believe me - get rid of Herenton and people will start felling better about Memphis.

The wound will not heal until you remove the thorn - and right now we're looking at gangrene.

Posted by gambillj on July 14, 2008 at 1:53 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Hard to believe that the 18th largest city in the Nation can't be detailed and viewed by Google when so many other smaller cities and towns can be. Nashville, okay. But Knoxville, Little Rock and Jackson, Ms over Memphis, TN? Come on!

Hey Reed! The computer is a machine and has no senses of tasting and smelling. It is designed to provide information to those who are seeking it......DUH!

Another example of what everybody around the WORLD thinks (or doesn't think) of us, wouldn't you say?

Posted by GlengarryGlennRoss on July 14, 2008 at 6:13 a.m. (Suggest removal)
When Google puts the horse's head in your bed you are truly doomed.

Posted by reflection on July 14, 2008 at 6:48 a.m. (Suggest removal)
The last I heard, Google was beaten up by a couple of exuberant bouncers on Beale Street and hasn't forgiven us since.

Posted by zeek2fc99 on July 14, 2008 at 7:07 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Maybe we can get them to do a street Veiw of Willies Head!!

Posted by catsanddog on July 14, 2008 at 7:13 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Google is the only SAFE way to "walk" around Memphis.

Posted by cpusuesmom on July 14, 2008 at 7:31 a.m. (Suggest removal)
google maps are great! they are a great tool for those who are unable to travel,as for memphis,your city has a cancer in the form of the mayor,just how does he keep getting elected,over the the past few years your city has went down,you have an arena just sitting there closed,for what!the pyramid arena was great,memphis did not need the fed ex forum,that money should have been spent for city inprovements and housing,also crime is up to,also what about liberty land,a memphis fixture for years now gone,i see why google does not want to come to memphis,it all goes back to the cancer in the mayor's office,if you want changes,then start off by getting rid of the cancer in the mayor's office,and memphis will be again the great city of the mid south!

Posted by jmarks on July 14, 2008 at 7:53 a.m. (Suggest removal)
That is hilarious. "Memphis is isolated!" I guess that is why Fedex and Autozone are in Memphis. They were looking for a good "isolated" city. I'm using Yahoo Search instead of Gaggle. How about that Gleegle? Isolated? Gluggle should be happy they do not ship any products. They'd probably ship out of Paraguay. It's central you know!

Posted by sinatrafan on July 14, 2008 at 8:03 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Perhaps Ms. Reed can tell us what crime scene tape smells like so we too can know the "smells" of Memphis.

I'm sure if someone googles "murder scene" they will get a lot of Memphis street views.

Posted by listener on July 14, 2008 at 8:16 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Memphis is not only isolated, it is primitive econonmically, having low paying jobs, even at what most consider to be "good places to work:". Memphis needs to get with the program. When you move here, chances of living a less than quality life are very high.

Posted by DoggieDaddy on July 14, 2008 at 8:50 a.m. (Suggest removal)
"The true way to experience Memphis is to walk through it."

That's true, you know. There's nothing like a nighttime stroll through Hickory Hill to give a tourist the Real Memphis Experience.

Posted by memphisaintsobad on July 14, 2008 at 8:52 a.m. (Suggest removal)
You can't experience the REAL Memphis by using google street maps.

You have to actually go to the mall in broad daylight, get your car stolen or carjacked, get knifed, and murdered. That is the REAL Memphis.

And Willie says if you don't like that - you can leave!

Posted by actinolite2 on July 14, 2008 at 8:54 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Yes, there's nothing quite like walking down Main Street on a hot summer day and getting the intermittent overwhelming aroma of old urine wafting up at you from a surprising variety of locations. I'm pretty sure Google would have a hard time reproducing that effect.

Posted by tncarr on July 14, 2008 at 9:33 a.m. (Suggest removal)
LMAO@the many comments. Sad but funny...and to think we actually live here.

Posted by mduke1 on July 14, 2008 at 9:36 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Jeez...it's a poor choice of words on Google's part and a poor excuse from Jackie Reed. It seems to be a prioritization issue at Google. Stuttgart and Pine Bluff have Street View, so I don't think the direct and implied commentary about thug behavior and close proximity to Black people really holds water.

Large cities such as Seattle, Baltimore, and Washington, do not have Street View and I don't recall them being isolated. Historic areas such as Annapolis, Charleston, Savannah, and Santa Fe do not have it either, so I'm not concerned that Memphis is late to the game. It will happen when it happens.

Posted by lucky397 on July 14, 2008 at 9:43 a.m. (Suggest removal)
"Reed said the sights, sounds and smells of Memphis can't be reproduced with a mouse click."

Approach Memphis from any direction and you begin to smell it when you get about 25 miles out. Google can't duplicate that.

Posted by supreme21 on July 14, 2008 at 10:12 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Until we as Memphians start fighting for our city and quit focusing on crime and anything negative regarding the city we will always be short changed by not only by the state of Tennessee but also the nation. "Isolated" is an unbelievable statement to me. Google should really define that one.

Last night watching WREG (Channel 3), the second, third, and fourth storty was about crime. One of the stories was more than a week old. At first I was one of those people who didn't think it was the media but now I am convinced that to a point it is. Must the focus on the daily news first 8 minutes always be about senseless, petty and silly crimes. The news in cities such as Atlanta, Miami and even St. Louis don't focus on crime as much and are very high crime cities just like Memphis.

Posted by MisterT80 on July 14, 2008 at 10:26 a.m. (Suggest removal)
you know what else google can't replicate?! The low morale/woe-is-me/contempt for their city attitude that most Memphians have. You really have to meet some of the people and have a conversation to hear them b**ch and moan about how horrible they think memphis is. It's hard to get that sense of detest and despair from looking at a map.

who cares what google says.

Oh No You Just Di'int

Remember, Coach Z only takes sides against dumbasses so let's not get all political.

Did McCain really say this? Really? Am I the only person that finds this really scary even if it's "just a joke." You think airport security would find it funny if I started joking about bombs? Neither does the Middle East.

PITTSBURGH (Reuters) - Presidential candidate John McCain, who once sang in jest about bombing Iran, on Tuesday reacted to a report of rising U.S. cigarette exports to the country by saying it may be "a way of killing 'em."

McCain, known for acerbic comments and for sometimes firing verbally from the hip, was responding to a report that U.S. exports to Iran rose tenfold during President George W. Bush's term in office despite hostility between the two states.

A rise in cigarette sales was a big part of that, according to an Associated Press analysis of seven years of U.S. trade figures.

"Maybe that's a way of killing 'em," McCain said to reporters during a campaign stop in Pittsburgh. "I meant that as a joke, as a person who hasn't had a cigarette in 28 years, 29 years," he added, laughing.

[Coach Z] Hahahahahahaha, I'm laughing my ass off. Well-timed and appropriate comments. Diq.

He declined further comment on the report.

At a campaign meeting in South Carolina last year the Arizona senator, asked if there is a plan to attack Iran, began his answer with a variation on the lyrics of a well-known pop song, Barbara Ann.

"You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran?" he said, then sang "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" before discussing what he considered Iran's serious threat to Israel and international security.

[Coach Z] Awesome. I bet the Iranians laughed themselves to death over that joke. Oh sorry. They were too busy smoking their Marlboros and engineering nukes to laugh.

Tension is high between the two countries over Iran's nuclear program, which Washington says is aimed at making an atomic bomb but Tehran says is for generating energy. There has been media speculation of a possible U.S. or Israeli military strike against Iran's nuclear facilities.

(Reporting by Jeff Mason; Editing by David Storey)

Golf Day

Paula Creamer. I want to be friends with your hiney. Let's go play 18 holes. I want to be on you.