You Heard it Here First: TiVO Will Cause a Homicide or Divorce One Day

I walk into my home after work yesterday and see that thing staring at me-- that "thing" is the red light on my TiVO meaning a show is recording.

You ask, "what's weird about TiVO recording? that's it's job." The issue is that I had not set it up to record anything. See, TiVO is like Big Brother, always watching you, always recommending shows it thinks you might like based upon your previous selections.

That's a problem in my mind. Perhaps, I don't need to be ratted out by my TiVO.

You see where I'm going with this? Let's say the wife goes out of town one weekend, TiVo sees what someone enjoys watching "Harlem Hookers" so it decides to record everything from "Naughty Nurses" to "Arse Pirates." How's that gonna look when the wife, significant other, baby's momma comes back in town and sees all that crap sitting in list of recorded items? I predict World War 3 in the trailer park when that stuff gets uncovered.

At least in the olden days you only got busted if you were too stupid to leave the tape in the VCR or you mixed up the tape boxes and sent "Horny Housewives" back to Blockbuster in the "Finding Nemo" box. However, even the latter was okay because the 15-year-old pimple-faced teenager at the video rental store won't bust you-- he'll think he's won the lottery.

Thanks for your help TiVO / Satan / Hal, but I think I'll take it over from here.

It's True...

...in the right hands a "skilled novice" can fug up anything with MS FrontPage.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Ole Miss Coaching Excellence

From my friend Danny

Do Yourself-- and Your Friends-- a Favor

Please visit Snopes as often as you can or, better yet, sign up for their great urban legend email alerts.

Otherwise, you just look like a tool when you send out emails about Dr. Pepper hating God, 80-foot crocodiles swimming through the streets of NOLA or W talking on a phone upside down.

Nashville (TN) Great Commuter Race

This is kinda cool and illustrates my previous post:

There is more than one way to get from point A to point B and often the fastest way in downtown areas is not by car. In the second annual Great Commuter Race, participants tested the ease and speed of five mode of transportation on a four-mile route in east Nashville during morning rush hour. A motorist, bus rider, cyclists, runners, and skaters departed from the intersection at Eastland and Riverside around 7:25 a.m. to see who would be first to reach the flag pole at Riverfront Park.

Last year, the cyclists handily beat the motorist by almost 10 minutes on a five mile course down West End. The better connectivity of East Nashville gave the motorist a better chance this year. However, once again the cyclists easily claimed victory with Justin Mitchell completing the trip in 13 minutes flat on his single-speed bike. The first skater, Steve Larios, arrived at 16:11, and the car driver, Brad Hawkins came in at 16:48. After getting off the closest bus and walking several blocks, James Manning arrived at 25:35. Finally, Metro Councilman Mike Jameson, Whitney
Kemper, and Laurel Creech arrived by foot at 40:46.

Ride yer bike, I done rode mine

President Bush has made a plea for us to conserve petrol temporarily.

Motivated by my friend Jeffrey-- who commuted 160 miles to work and school last week-- I rode my bike to work the past couple of days.

So now that someone from the Red states has asked us to conserve fuel, I can turn this back on the white, male, truck driving, 16- to 34-old, rednecks who hate to see bikes on the road (hot dog, I nailed that demographic).

To all you bike hating nazis who are disregarding a direct plea from OUR PRESIDENT OF THE BEST DAMN COUNTRY ON EARTH: RIDE YOUR BIKES!!
If you don't, well I just bet...
You're a communist
You don't love Jesus, Willie Nelson, Dale Earnhardt or yer Momma
You probably drink light beer and you drink it out of a glass

Oh, excuse me, God. Let me wipe my nose, because I just did some drugs before I got here

Aren't we all just a tad flawed?

Freak Shows R Us

If you read my previous post about midgets, fire-breathing goths and nuns on stilts you might think that was the freakiest thing I witnessed this past weekend.

NOT EVEN CLOSE...

After 11 LONG years in Memphis I went to the Mid-South Fair and Libertyland on Saturday night, for the first time ever. And I realize now why I've never gone.

Hurricanes Katrina and Rita obviously blew over a giant rock and folks came scrambling out to the MSF to seek cover.

At one point during our trek across a dark bridge at Libertyland I commented that "we could totally get murdered right here."

Man, what a life. So if you're interested in scoring an 8-ball, witnessing a grand freak show or getting a good slice of Memficana then I highly recommend the MSF and Libertyland.

"These People Have No Idea What's About to Happen to Them"

At what point do I say I've gone over the top? Is it when I see Motley Crue 2 times in 6 days?

After ZackPe and I got our brains rocked out in Memphis by the Crue on Sunday, I HAD to go see them again this past Friday in Little Rock, AR.

Apparently, I was not the only one with the idea. I sat on row 11 next to a guy from Memphis who had been rocked so hard the previous Sunday that he made the drive over to get a second dose. He looked at me and commented that "these people have no idea what's about to happen to them." Fuggin' eh, how prophetic.

Anyway, I got to Alltel Arena an hour in advance-- enough time to park at a makeshift gas station/parking lot, slam a 24oz can of Budweiser, rag a Cowboy Killer off some parking lot mates and meander to the will call window to fetch my $80 ticket to 2.5 hours of head thrashing excitement.

I got inside and continued the Budweiser binge to get myself primed. Oddly enough, the show started on time. Not sure if the boys aren't partying hard enough in the back or they're getting old so they have to mind their bedtimes.

But let me break the news gently to ZackPe-- the second time around, when you're 20 feet from Vince, Mick, Tommy and Nikkie, is so fuggin' unbelievable you can't imagine. In comparison, sitting in the risers at Desoto Civic Center was like watching the Superbowl on a 13" black and white.

I was so close that the fire-engulfed stage was causing layers of my skin to sluff off and I went blind for about 3 seconds due to retinal burns from all the explosions. Before they even finished "Shout at the Devil" I was dripping in sweat.

And it just kept rolling. For 3 hours I was allowed the pleasure of forgetting every responsibility and pain and just banging my head like the old 15-year-old Z Man (when our superhero Z was just Z Boy).

The Crue hit me with a 20 song set that ended with "Anarchy in the UK" complete with fire breathing goth chicks and blood spewing nuns on stilts. Man. Nuns on stilts (though I doubt she was a real nun), fire breathing goths and a midget named Mighty Mike-- how does it get better than that?

So I had some time to reflect. I used to assume that as soon as a heavy metal band got play on the radio that they had sold out. In fact, I stopped buying Crue albums after "Theater of Pain." However, I've been doing my research and downloaded "Girls" and "Dr. Feelgood" and realize now that these guys never lost their edge or slowed down. I apologize Crue. I was wrong.

Crue definitely crosses generations. The LR crowd was not nearly as hot and young as the Memphis audience. However, that allowed me to focus more on the show.

Better the second time around, HELL YES.

Crue has already announced their makeup Atlanta, GA show for March 2006. I wonder if ZackPe and I should get the car filled up gas and our hotel room booked right now?

My Friend Kenny B, Part 2

Hello NOLA.

I am out of the city for a couple of days and I just wanted to say a few things about what I have been through. First, I want to thank all the people who helped me in so many ways from the outside. It was a bit surreal being there and getting words of encouragement , messages of gasoline drops and offers of food or any supplies I could find in some of your houses was very reassuring and comforting. And the coordination and information provided by Candy was invaluable. I wish I could have done more for all the requests I received, but as you can imagine I got extremely busy and was restricted to uptown.

I feel like I did some good, but honestly, I am consumed by an overwhelming feeling of guilt. There were people I couldn't get to, or couldn't convince to get in the boat. I honestly wish at times that I had never gone in. One person asked me if I enjoyed what I was doing. I can assure you that seeing dead Americans floating in the streets of New Orleans was not enjoyable. The hardest pill for me to swallow was the paint marks on all the brick houses in New Orleans East. The marks are permanent. They signify that the house has been searched, how many dead or alive and they say to me, "Goodbye". The devastation is total and final. New Orleans East will not be saved. It was so lonely and dark. I couldn't help but cry.

Please understand, no house was entered Uptown unless it was deemed absolutely necessary based on the information we had. Believe me, the National Guard is full of honest, hard working and caring people who do their best to protect life and property. These kids are professionals and it was recorded if there was an open door and patrols were increased past houses that were not secured. Several times we found people so incapacitated by starvation, that there was no possible way they could answer the door. Often, we found no one. There was no other alternative, but if you are still upset about your door, sue me.

I wish I could have done more. Every day, we would have to acquire new boats, shuffle troops to the deep areas where the boats were parked, search for looters and survivors and un-do all of this before 5PM. It was hard, dangerous and occasionally rewarding work. If there was a dog barking, there was a 50/50 chance there were people inside who were hiding for one reason or another. We took with us every living creature that would come in the boat. The dogs were the easiest, but sometimes we would find houses full of people, all wanting to leave. The despair on their faces was unforgettable as they had to leave their home and many times you could witness the soldiers trying to hide their own tears.

I drew my weapon twice, (I sleep with it), had one man pull a gun on me, captured looters, delivered water, begged and pleaded people to come with me, almost punched a jerk of a pro golfer, hotwired and sank countless boats and drove at over 40 MPH down Claiborne in a 24 foot Skeeter getting a sick man to a doctor. This was no vacation. It was hard, depressing work. One of the boats I used carried over 400 people to safety.

So many tough decisions had to be made. I can't tell you how many times I had to leave people behind. Dehydration and starvation makes you crazy and some people believed that if they leave their house that they would never see it again. Mostly, they were right. Every dog I hear howling will die. Every desperate cat or kitten crying for help will cry no more. It hurt me beyond comprehension to leave behind any living being that wanted to or needed to get in the boat. I was told not to use force, and even though I don't answer to those people, I would not rule out forcibly removing someone to safe ground. That never had to happen.

I morn for your losses. I cry for the people we couldn't save. And I miss the city I once knew and loved. I wish I could have done more. We were failed by our government and for several days, my American Flag flew upside down.

Please believe me, that most of the people working on the boats, and most of the people carrying M-16's are there to help. We needed the Army here 25 years ago. They are sad for us. They care about us and our houses and many have expressed moving here. They truly want to help. I would do anything for them. And when you return home, I hope you thank them. They are doing the work our police force was untrained, unpaid and unable to do. These guys truly are America's best and they are all here because they volunteered to be here.

I hope you find your family. I hope you come home. I hope all is well with you and your home. And I hope you can forgive me for any thing that I might have done to infringe on your privacy, your property or any insult you might have taken from my words or actions. I was only trying to save lives. I only wanted to help.

Kenny Bellau
Civilian Intelligence Liaison to the U.S. Army
Herring Gas Racing Team
www.herring-cycling.com

My Friend Kenny B, Part 1

N.O. cyclist becomes guide for Guard unit
Monday, 5:07 p.m.

When word of Hurricane Katrina's destruction arrived, Kenny Bellau, a
professional racing cyclist from New Orleans, was nearing the end of a
French Guianna tour, the Caribbean answer to the Tour de France.

He finished the race, then raced back to New Orleans, furious about the early
reports of chaos in official efforts to help storm victims, and worried
about his home town.

"The main reason I wanted to come back here was because of all the
confusion I saw on the news," he said. "I honestly didn't see anybody
doing the right thing."

Bellau, 37, a Brother Martin High graduate, arrived two days after
Katrina hit the city and plunged headlong into rescue work. Gathering
acquaintances' requests for help in locating loved ones, Bellau attached
himself to Alpha Company of the California Army National Guard, working
out of Sophie Wright School on Napoleon Avenue. He offered boat-driving
skills and an intimate knowledge of city streets and neighborhoods.

For most of the last two weeks Bellau has served as the Guard unit's
native guide, visiting house after house in Uptown and Central City
enclaves, helping pull out survivors.

"He had beads on people in their houses, people who were in need, he
saved us a lot of time," said Capt. Gerald Davis from the California
unit. "Every day he would come out and take care of us."

Bellau said he has seen too much death and misery. He is not one to
cry, but has cried every day since he returned to New Orleans.

"These are people's grandmothers, people's grandfathers. We pulled a
Mardi Gras Indian out the other day," he said. "It just hurts to see the
fabric of the city torn apart and know it'll never be the same."

Bellau, who is staying in his powerless house on Constance Street
Uptown, is glad that his mother evacuated to Tylertown, Miss., before the
storm, but her eastern New Orleans home is now destroyed. He paddled to
the brick house, on Perelli Drive, a few days ago, finding it filled
with five-plus feet of water, amid so many houses suffering the same fate.

"I was just overwhelmed at the destruction, the totalness of the
destruction."

Generation Skank

I had a horrid round on golf on Sunday but had a great time kickin' it with my peeps Andre, Graham and Peej Guy.

How do you turn your day around after a horrible round? How 'bout getting crunk to Motley Crue.

It's so appropriate that the first time ZackPe and I hung out 7 or 8 years ago we were banging our heads on the dash of my Buick to the Crue-- and now we were going to see them live together.

"Live" might be stretching it for Mick Mars who I contend they pulled straight outta the coffin in order to play; but his pale ass did it and he ripped the place apart.

I can't speak enough about how kick ass a 2 1/2 hour Crue show is, but Zack and I were pleasantly surprised to see the new generation of young, hot skanks in attendance. There has got to be a manufacturing facility nearby where they produce hot skanks just to go to shows like the Crue and add to the ambience (i.e., "Titty Cam").

So, Crue has assisted me in adding one more piece to fill in the puzzle of my childhood of missed opportunities.

Hmmm, looks like Motley Crue is in Little Rock, AR this Friday...

Coffee Snob

I'm slowly becoming a coffee snob and I know this because I now look down on people who give me that "I love coffee, Starbucks fraps are just to die for."

That's nice, rookie.

I have rarely made good coffee from Starbucks. I always run into the problem of the beans having lost all of their exterior oil (ie, they've been on the shel for a month after roasting).

Now, I won't be toally weird and say I never drink anything from $tarbuck$. In fact, I love to hit the joint for a refreshing "drink" but I have to be anti-establishment (because the establishment loves 'bucks) here and say that they are "drinks" and not really coffee.

For real coffee, Peet's rocks. Place an order. You won't regret it.

I'll admit it. I initially placed an order for Peet's after seeing Lance Armstrong rave about it on the OLNTV show, "The Lance Chronicles".

However, now I keep drinking it because it's lively, tasty and fresh-- unlike that old lady that Lance is engaged to.

6-Degrees of Kevin Bacon - Don Alsup

Credit Big Bear Bill Barnes (ILS Sports and Movie guru) with discovering the 6-degrees of Kevin Bacon on one of my former coworkers, Don Alsup.

Don was recently credited with a role in "Walk the Line."

According to Big Bear, here goes:

Don Alsup was in "Walk the Line" with Joaquin Phoenix
Joaquin Phoenix was in "Space Camp" with Kelly Preston
Kelly Preston was in "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner
Kevin Costner was in "JFK" with.... Kevin Bacon

Oh, Yeah. Thanks for the Reminder

That's right. We're not supposed to smoke around our kids are we? This is the kind of gentle reminder you only see in Mississippi. I guess McDonald's was not thinking that folks have to be able to read which makes this sign useless in Mississippi.

Who Are These People? Another Reason I Shop Online

Shopping online brings me the convenience of browsing for the best price, rapid delivery, free shipping in many cases, avoiding Memphis' outrageous 9.25% sales tax and it can all be done in the comfort of my own home.

However, here's a new reason.

In the past week I have visited my local Barnes and Noble and Borders shopping for books. In both places I have been approached by well-dressed, sufficiently perfumed Indian fellows trying to sell me part-time business opportunities-- get rich quick kinda stuff.

The first encounter was like this (I've snipped so it won't be as long):
Stalker: Lot's of books here, huh?
GaryZ: Uh, yeah. (Is this smooth fellow gay and hitting on me or stupid and not realize that, yes, there are are lots of books in a BOOK STORE).

S: You come here often?
G: No. I mostly shop online. (should I have told him my sign?)

S: I'm from Chicago. I just moved here. I like it.

BULL HOCKEY!!! NO ONE LIKES IT HERE!!! THIS IS MEMPHELL!!! COVER BLOWN!!!

S: What do you do?
G: I'm a software developer.

S: (face brightens) Oh, me too.

But he goes on to tell me that he does online work with BestBuy.com, BN.com, etc. and wants to know if I'm interested in part-time business opportunities, yadda, yadda, yadda.

This all goes on while Anna is in the corner of BN doing her best tail-growing impersonation of Najeh Davenport. So I decline and bolt outta there in a hurry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second encounter (Borders):
Stalker: Lot's of books here, huh?
GaryZ: Yeah. (DAMNIT!! Not again!!!)

S: What do you do?
G: I'm a software developer.

S: (face brightens) Me too.
G: I know. And you do work with BestBuy.com and BN.com and you're gonna help me with some part-time business opportunities.

S: Oh, uh, no, I, uh, work for FedEx. (sulks and walks off)

Yeahs, sucks to you part-time business opportunity stalker!!

Memphis Makes Me Miserable...Fug Off!!

Kenny Allen refers to Memfuss as "our own little slice of hell right here on earth."

And Kenny heard from our old friend JoMo the other day.

JoMo hated Memphis ALMOST as much as I do. He was always saying he would be happier once he left Memfrica. I called bullshat saying he'd be the same ole JoMo even if he left Memphis.

Well, I'm here to say I'm wrong. He's got to Colorado and now his daily stressors consist of deciding whether he wants to hike in the mountains, road bike, mountain bike, play golf, go skiing, etc. He's got a beautiful family and he's loving life.
My life consists of resisting the temptation to club the stupid bitch with a 3rd grade education at Starbucks because she can't order a fuggin' mocha without assistance from one of the coffe PhD's behind the counter.

I just visited JoMo's blog, and you should too, and he's tortured me by putting up photos of all the cool outdoor activities he's been up to.

Memphis is pushing me over the edge and when I finally topple over, you'll be able to say you read it here first.

Shout at the Devil...

When I was like 14-years-old I have tickets to see Motley Crue on their Theater of Pain tour. My g-ma nixed that idea and said I could not go because it was on a school night.

Sucks.

But now I'm going. Sunday, Sept. 18th at the DeSoto Civic Center (Miss.).

Those old, fat bastards who are just coming out of their drug-induced comas from the 80's are gonna somehow entertain the throngs of mullet heads and people trying to regain their lost childhoods (like me) this weekend.

I'll keep you posted on this one.

Miracles, Louisiana and Zack P.

Nearly 2 weeks freshman Auburn football player had resigned to the fact that his 6- and 8-year old brothers has drowned in NOLA and his father was missing. In fact, he was contacted and told explicitly that his little brothers perished when the sought shelter in a school gymnasium that ended up flooding.

Then he gets the news that they were just missing and landed in Houston. Man, talk about about miracles.

How about LSU and the Saints winning in incredible circumstances last weekend? LSU scores a 39-yard touchdown on 4th and 10 with 1:21 in the game and the Saints kick a field goal with 3 seconds on the clock to win. Crazy.

Are we really gonna let them rebuild NOLA? Why? It's fuggin' below sea level. Given enough time the levees WILL break again and flood the city. We don't allow building in marshlands, why should we allow people to endanger themselves again by rebuilding in NOLA?

And to show that not all cyclists are egotistical, self-centered bastards, my friend ZackPe donated his 2005 cycling fund money to the Red Cross Disaster Relief effort. I'm glad there are people like Zack in the world. He's good people.

Running Back U.?

Auburn University used to hold one of those "running back u." monikers back in the day.

Is Tommy Tuberville the catalyst for rebuilding running back universities?

Two of the top 3 NFL running backs-- and 3 of the top 10-- last weekend are from Auburn.

And who else in the NFL has a Tommy T connection? Ole Piss folks will love this. Tommy T was the man in charge when Deuce McAlister chose Ole Miss as his school.

What Was He Thinking?

So I hear on the radio about a guy in Asia who commit suicide by super-gluing his nose and mouth shut.

I wonder what he thought about that idea about 45 seconds into the gluing?

Worn Out-- Sponsored by the Number 10

The story of my life, eh? Always worn out.
I trade my obsession of cycling for working and running around it seems.

In the past 3 weeks I've logged two 14-hour days and one 17-hour day. And those are so different than working an extra hour or two each day of the week. They are like a ton of bricks falling on you. I wish I would have had days that long when I was a contract employee. I could have pulled out a wad of Benjamins and easily purchased my big screen TV and some chocolates and flowers for LP.

Well, I say I'm running around a bunch, but it must not be too much. I jumped on the scale yesterday to find that there's 10 more pounds of me to love. I'm living the American dream-- fat and happy.

Same Behavior, Different Panic

Why does the gasoline shortage in Memphis not surprise me?

Keep in mind that when a single snowflake is predicted to fall within 50 miles of Memphis people panic and raid every store for batteries, kerosene, water and canned food.

So we're creating our own shortage and I can't even begin to speak of the general intelligence level of the people of this area.

"At a press conference Thursday Shelby County Mayor A.C. Wharton said the gasoline panic is isolated to Memphis and West Tennessee."

To paraphrase Wharton: "Yep. Par for the course."

The Twins Have a Site

I have always said that LP's sister, Jen, and her husband Matt were gonna be great parents and to test that they've gotten off to a very challenging start. Their twin girls were born about 9 weeks early-- Madeline weighed in at 1 lb 15 oz and Estella was a monster, in comparison, at 3 lb 1 oz. Check up the updates on the twins at their site.