Selling Out for a Hot Chick

I'm in PetSmart the other night getting some food for my rather manly sized dog-- Ally the Weimaraner. A strong breed from a strong Republic bred under the strictest of authority.

So I'm in line waiting to pay and there is one of most smoking hot chicks you'll ever see...and she's hanging out with a dude who's just normal looking, at best.

How does a normal ole chode hook up with a chick this hot and my friend Zack can't even get a date with the local divorced nymphomaniac?

Well, I noticed that he sold his soul because he was holding, not one, but two friggin' rat dogs.

I mean, I understand doing some things for a hot chick-- like dating one of her fat friends just to get closer to the hot chick-- but a chihuahua? Why? Dude has sold out his manliness. When this chick has gotten her fill of making him pay for her furs, paint her apartment and just generally kiss her ass, she's gonna dump him like last week's rubbish.

And you know what? He's gonna have to come back to the campfire with the real men and all we'll be able to say is "sorry man. we don't know you any longer." And we'll have to turn our backs on this disgrace of a man.

Some SEC Observations

Auburn is not as bad as they seem-- they should have beaten LSU and should have beaten Ole Miss by 5 TD's. However, missing field goals (LSU) and committing personal fouls on 3rd down and fumbling punts (Ole Miss) does not keep you in the game.

Alabama is not as good as they seem. Ole Miss by 3? Tennessee by 3? Duuude, come on.

LSU is not as good as they seem, either. Lucky to not be 4-3. But they have that voodoo magic going on.

Tennessee is WORSE than they seem. Man, they sure did dodge a bullet with that near season opening loss to UAB. And stop calling yourselves "UT". EVERYONE knows the REAL UT is in Austin. Ouch, burrrrrrrrn.

Ole Miss needs a new coach. No, I'm serious. I'm tired of hearing Coach O praise "his system", the one he brought from Southern California. Coach, you don't have Lendale White, Matt Leinart or Reggie Bush at Ole Miss. Work with the players you have. That's the sign of a good coach. And speaking of that...

Spurrier is still the Ol' Ball Coach. South Carolina is 5-3 (soon to be 5-4 as Big Bill has already told me) and they're playing with a bunch of glorified high school students. Good job coach.

Arkansas needs to keep Houston Nutt. This man gave up, with no regrets, an opportunity to coach a team that could potentially be back as a Big XII powerhouse. Stop this talk of hiring Butch Davis. Butch is clearly headed to Ole Miss... ouch. Sorry about that one Rebs.

At tailgating, make sure you cook your brats long enough.

Just because you create internet pages in FrontPage does not mean you're a "webmaster" nor a "web developer". Just stop it.

My Life in .NET

 Dim yYears As Byte
 Dim yDays As Byte
 Dim yHours As Byte
 Dim oGaryZ As New PersonLivingInMemphell
 Dim oPaper As CommercialAppealNewsPaper
 Dim oWork As Employment

 For yYears = 1 To 75
    For yDays = 1 To 365
       With oGaryZ
         .WakeUp
         oPaper = New CommercialAppealNewsPaper
         With oPaper
            oGaryZ.Read .GangViolenceInMemphis
            oGaryZ.Read .RacialTension
            oGaryZ.Read .GrizzliesLose
            oGaryZ.Read .PublicSchoolsSuck
            oGaryZ.Read .DirtyPoliticians
         End With

         .GoToWork

         For yHours = 1 To 8
            oWork = New Employment
            With oWork

              oGaryZ.Work .BangCode
              oGaryZ.Work .DrinkCoffee
              oGaryZ.Work .ChatAboutSports
              oGaryZ.Work .BangCode
            End With
         Next yHours

         .LeaveWork
         Call functionRandom(action := .DoStuff, hours := 4)
         .GoToBed

       End With
    Next yDays
 Next yYears

 'Cleanup code
 oGaryZ.Die
 oGaryZ.Bury
 oGaryZ.Dispose

Okay, Wait. How About a Mulligan

I have to go back on my resolution not to call folks pig phuckers for just a second.

The Tour de France and the French leading the anti-Lance witch hunt... pig phuckers.

As I relayed to my friend, Big Bill, the only separating Lance from the other TDF champions is the suspicion of him using performance-enhancing drugs.

There is no such suspicion with the others... we KNOW they were hopped up. Those pig phuckers were more hopped up than the front row of front row of a Phish concert.

Those guys took enough pills and injections that they made Lyle Alzado envious.

Pig Phucking B1tch

One resolution I've learned I have to make is to stop referring to pig phuckers as pig phuckers. Apparently, even if someone is a pig phucker they don't like to be told they're a pig phucker. In addition, their friends apparently don't like to be told that their buddy is a pig phucker. I'll keep this resolution after the following blog entry.

Pete Carroll is a Pig Phucker. If Wilbur from "Charlotte's Web" were to jump to life and run into southern California then rest assured that Pete Carroll would lube him up and pound him into bacon bits.

Pete likes to say, regarding the BCS, "the computers are not being friend to the Trojans. But I can't be mad at a computer. I don't have any better way to do it better, so I can't complain."

Good, strong leader and decision-maker there. The reason you're such an apathetic pu$$y is because you know, that even with a #2 ranking, your team will still end up playing for the BCS National Championship of the NCAA ("National Communists Against Athletes", that one's for the Boz).

And you can't [playoff] think of a better way [playoff] to do it [playoff]? Dude, you suck [playoff].

I hope that if I end up in prison, you're my cell mate, 'cause I'm gonna trade your sweet honkey ass for a CARTON of smokes.

For more hate, let's tune back to Tommy Tuberville or Frank "I'm About to Get Left Out" Beamer (Va. Tech).

I Have Some Morals, Part 2

I've already made mention that just because I listen to hateful 80's hair music does not mean I don't have a complete lack of morality.

I've also mentioned that I love my satellite radio, however even I could not listen to Sirius OutQ.

Sirius had to make room for Stern on the dial so they did some renumbering of their stations. One day, instead of getting my BBC news on my preset (B5), I got to hear a discussion between the lesbian female, homo-male, and hetero male hosts about how they "got some" over the weekend.

Even Gary Z. can't tolerate too much talk of lesbian sex toy parties or homo-males discussing the newest Colt Video they got.

There is a line that even Gary Z won't cross. I'll leave that kind of radio to the Mexican Yellow Monkey.

Unlikely Memphis/Mississippi Teams Make New BCS Standings

In an unheard of move, the BCS Bowl Committee has unseated previous number 1 and 2 ranked USC and Texas in favor of fantasy football team Memphis Malt Liquor Warriors and Ole Miss, respectively.

Gary Zyriek, owner of the Malt Liquor Warriors is thrilled that his team will have a chance to vie for the coveted BCS National Championship trophy.

The Warriors who started the season 1-3 have improved to 4-3 at the midpoint of the season with wins over strong rivals LaLevee Looters and the Mojos.

Zyriek, using every sports cliche he can muster says "this team has really come together-we've gelled- and overcome the adversity that we've faced. We've given it 110% every week, we take just one game at a time, we're not gonna get ahead of ourselves and it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings."

Although many argue that a 3-loss team does not deserve a shot at the national championship, the computer rankings indicate that the Warriors strength of fantasy schedule far outweighs anyone else's in NCAA Division 1A-- a division in which the Warriors do not even compete.

Jeff Sagarin, statistical guru, says that a fantasy league team in the NCAA championship game is not a cause of concern. "The BCS is designed to match up the 2 best teams, period. Hell, one year the first BCS standings to come out had Miami (FL) projected to play Tonya Harding in the Sugar Bowl."

Pete Carroll, BCS bitch and USC coach, brushes off his team being slighted by saying "it's all up to the computers; whatever happens on the field is irrelevant. I don't understand the computers but it seems like they're doing their job."

Also in question is how a 3-4 Ole Miss team is projected to be the #2 at the Rose Bowl. New to the SEC, Coach O explains "well, I don't know how things work in the South but I've heard on several Ole Miss sports call in shows that with 4 games remaining we still have a shot at going 10-4. I also hear that we may go 11-3 once the instant replay reviews by the SEC may determine that Alabama actually missed the final second field goal in Oxford. And tying a team that's ranked 40 places above you technically counts as a win."

Tommy Tubs Gives ESPN/BCS Hell

Tuberville speaks out against BCS system, ESPN

By Mike Tankersley
Montgomery Advertiser


Join the club, Alabama and Georgia. And Virginia Tech is welcome, too.

That was the message Monday from Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville, who spoke at the Montgomery Quarterback Club's noon luncheon two days after watching his team's 13-game SEC winning streak come to an end at Baton Rouge.

Tuberville, whose team was shut out of the BCS national title game last season, was asked if he thought the same thing might happen to an SEC school again this year. That got him started on the Bowl Championship Series system and the national media, particularly ESPN.

"It's done," Tuberville said. "The national media, led by ESPN, wants to see Vince Young vs. Matt Leinart in the championship game. It's going to be those two teams unless Texas or USC get upset.

"Last year, they wanted to see the two Heisman Trophy quarterbacks, Jason White and Leinart. After six or seven games, we were out of it.

"If four teams are undefeated at the end of the season, there should be a playoff. There should've been one last year. But it's decided already. I don't like it."

Tuberville spoke out sharply against ESPN and the influence it wields on the college game. He said the opinions ESPN hosts and analysts put out on the airwaves each week tend to shape the opinions of fans and media people around the country.

And he's not at all happy about that.

"ESPN has gotten so much power lately, it's kinda scary," Tuberville said. "And most of their analysts are coaches who haven't won any games. That's why they're there. I think you know who I'm talking about.

"And Lou Holtz gets on there and talks about what a team has to do win that game, and the guy couldn't beat anybody in our conference. These guys will come talk to you and look you straight in the eye and tell you something, then they'll get on the air and say something else.

"ESPN, I'll tell you, I don't have much to do with them anymore."

Tuberville told the audience that when he got to his office Sunday after attending church, he heard a noise from the practice field. He checked it out and saw that it was John Vaughn, who was kicking by himself off a tee.

"I guess he was kicking out his frustrations," Tuberville said, referring to Vaughn's five missed field-goal attempts Saturday night. "He's sick about it. He's a good kicker. He just had one of those nights. We all have them. And you'll never hear or read about this, but the wind on that field was swirling. It was a guessing game as to where to kick the ball. But he'll recover."

Tuberville said he paid close attention to the Auburn players after the game. He hated losing the game, but what he saw from his players afterward inspired him.

"You find out a lot about people in a situation like that," he said. "I sat back in the locker room and watched John (Vaughn), and every player on that team came by and said something to him. You travel with 70 players, and every one of them went by and talked to him.

"I don't mean they just patted him on the back. They all went up to him and sat down and talked to him. I was very proud of that. That kid was upset."

Tuberville thinks his team grew up a little while battling LSU on the road.

"When you do lose, you want it to affect your players," Tuberville said. "There weren't five words said on the entire plane ride home, and that was a long trip. It affected our guys."

Forget LiveStrong. How about VinceStrong!!

So my wife thinks I have no moral standards because, for one, I'm a Crue roadie.

However, what about the example leadman Vince Neil sets for us. He had a daughter who died of stomach cancer when she was 4-years-old. Vince spends his spare time raising money for cancer research through such events as charity golf tournaments and poker tournaments.

Hey, at least Vince did not leave his wife to start banging a worn out sack of potatoes.

And also don't forget Crue's remake of "Home Sweet Home" to raise money for Hurricane Katrina relief efforts. This video made its way to number one on MTV.com recently.

Next Plan

Well, the college picks didn't work out either. I went 23-21 ATS (and 37-7 SU) which (betting $100 per game) would have netted you a nifty $10 after vig.

Way to Sell It

My funny eBay auction of the day.

College Picks for the Weekend

So the lottery thing did not work out. I've gone the gambling route with college football.

I used a new highly scientific method to pick my games. I'll keep you update on how it goes.

I did not screw with games that were too close to call.

Alabama -3.5
Arizona State -10
Baylor +14
Buffalo +31
BYU +19
Central Florida -6
Cincy +22
Conn +3
Duke +30
Eastern Mich +11
FL Int +9.5
Georgia -19
Houston +1.5
Idaho +29
Indiana +15.5
Kentucky +10.5
LSU -6
Marshall +13.5
Memphis -8
NCState
Nebraska +2
North Carolina -1
North Texas +20
Northern Ill. -10
Northwestern +11.5
Ohio -7.5
Oregon -10
Oklahoma State +14.5
Penn State -17
Pittsburgh -13
San Jose State +6.5
Southern Miss +1.5
TCU
Temple +37
Texas Tech +16
UCLA -9.5
UNLV +12
USC -30.5
UtahSt +18.5
Vanderbilt +8.5
VaTech -10
Wisconsin -7.5
Western Michigan +25
Wash. State +11.5
Wyoming +3.5

Two Week Notice

I just turned in my two week's notice at work.

I bought my TN Powerball tickets so I figure once I win that $340 million I probably won't have much need to work after that.

I'll keep y'all up to date on how all this goes.

That's Heavy

BBC Radio (Did I mention that your radio sucks? Get Sirius satellite) indicates that the average person spends around 21,000 pounds (approx. $33,000 USD) on music during their lifetime?

I guess that counts iPods/iTunes, CDs and road trips to Shout at the Devil.

Big Wheels Keep on Turning

Man, I have to get my sorry ass back into some form of shape. I'm now 15 lbs. over my race weight of 175. I feel good and it's nice to eat without remorse but I'm starting to feel just a tad like a turd as I see 200 looming ahead.

So this past weekend I did a 70 mile charity ride. Except for the first 10 miles where you're working you're way through a lot of sketchy riding, I had a blast. I felt good, but ended up being a little dehydrated at the end. The Cervelo rode nicely and I have to say I'm glad I have DA 10-speed with a 12 X 25 on the rear but still wish I could have gotten Campy.

Last night I jumped on the CompuTrainer and skewered myself with 10 repeats of 3 minutes all out / 1 minute recovery. The legs were a little tired on the morning commute today.

To Kill Some Time

If you've got a minute (such as Zack who is not working for the next 2 weeks at FedEx during his "re-org" or "matrixing" or whatever), please entertain yourself with some of the new Trunk Monkey videos. Man, these are hilarious.

He's A Good Baptist Boy

I can't figure out why, with the resignation of Adrian Rogers from Bellevue Baptist, no one considered Blackie Lawless for the position of lead pastor. He's Baptist according to this profile.

Yankees, Notre Dame and USC, oh my

I always end up hating the team that everyone else loves. That includes the New York Yankees (but that's not hardly fair because I HATE baseball anyway) and Notre Dame.

Notre Dame got off my hit list this past weekend because I thought they would topple the Men of Troy. But wouldn't you know it? Those phuckers with their Pansie Ass PAC-10 Schedule, Keeping Auburn out of the National Championship in '04, so hottttttt quarterback managed to pull one out at Notre Dame this weekend.

Damnit.

And more good news. Projections indicate that USC, Texas and Georgia should finish their seasons undefeated. And guess who's projected to get screwed. Right, the SEC.

I think the SEC should send a resignation letter to the BCS saying "it's been fun but go phuck yourselves."

Oh, wait. There's millions of dollars involved so that will never happen. Just like a 1A playoff will never happen.

Great.

10/16/2005

13 years

To the day. I didn't realize it until LP reminded me. Thirteen years ago today a tad beefier and more prone to reckless behavior Gary Z. went on a first blind date with a naive, Freshman chickie from Memphis.

And we're still kickin' it today.

Major props to Victoria Martin for setting that one up.

How Spoiled Are We...er, Me?

It trips me out when I look back on my days of using a cassette player Walkman and 1,200 baud dial-up modem and how far I've come in my impatience.

Now, I have 5,000 songs on my 3rd Generation iPod that's the size of a deck of cards and I think it's a gigantic piece of hardware when you see things like the Nano.

I get pissed when a web page takes more than 2 seconds to load because cable modems are so damn slow.

No wonder I scream at folks driving 35 mph down G'Town Parkway-- BTW the speed limit is posted at 50 mph, please follow it.

It's all relative and I think my addiction to compactness and speed has spoiled me.

It's Okay For Him to Say It...

A white person would never get away with this kind of talk, but preach on brother!

Is This A Message for Me?

More evidence that I don't need to be in Memphis.

Odd. Memphis is one of the last places on earth I want to be and Austin is near the top of places I DO want to be.

Here's more news to convince you.

Thanks for the link DA.

Crazy Chinese at it Again!!

My homey ZackPe has issues with the Chinese trying to buy up every ounce of oil in the world. I have issues with them building everthing in the world... starting this past week.

I went to Sole Outdoors to trade in my way too worn out, water-resistant Birks. I was browsing around when I noticed the bastion of English footwear, a la Austin Powers uber shoes, Doc Martens, with a "Made in China" tattoo affixed to the inside.

Are you fuggin' kidding me. Doc Martens are as English as bad teeth, Princess Di (here's one for my fallen home girl) and Beefeaters. And now they have Chinese school children making them?

I figure it won't be too long before we start manufacturing hot dogs (and it really will be HOT and a DOG), apple pie and Chevrolets in China.

Don't Be A H8R Foolz!!

Kool Aid's In Da Hizzay...

Yeah I Said It

I have spent my entire life hating Alabama, the University of Bammer that is.

You know, the phuckers who, on any given Saturday, look like absolute jackasses waving their Tide boxes and rolls of toilet paper on a stick-- get it? Roll Tide. Ugh.

However, the longer I'm in Memphis the more I hate Ole Miss and Tennessee. However, my Ole Miss hatred has grown white hot over the past few years. And it really relates to the delusions of grandeur on the part of many of the fans.

When 'Bama or Tennessee say they think they can win a national championship, they actually have some validity. They are programs that have had, historically, the athletes, coaching staff and fan and alumni support to be competitive on the national stage.

Ole Miss's only hope comes when someone named Manning comes along every 25 years or so and that still is not enough.

And they try to justify EVERYTHING in their favor. Point, when Carnell Williams backed out of his committment to Tennessee, I had UT friends say "man, we lost a good one there." Not Ole Miss. When they could not recruit Peyton Manning, they immediately go out and print "Peyton Who?" shirts. Peton who? Yeah, one of the best QB's in SEC history who. But they did get Eli and you have to give them credit there; even though he did not have the team he deserved to have around him. I predict 2 national championships for Eli had he gone to a school like Florida or Tennessee. See, I just gave kudos to Ole Miss and to Eli. That's some humility some of my crazy ass Ole Miss folks should try every once in a while.

And Coach O-- like the 5th person on their list of coaches. One of the only people who would return their phone calls (I think I was 6th on their list). And then they crow about "well, he's the guy we REALLY wanted." Sure it is. He's just the only one who did not have his "call blocking" set to any number in Mississippi.

And they feel that Oxford is the epicenter of the universe. Hello!! You realize that you go to a school where the name "Ole Miss" is what slaves used to call the slavemaster's wife. Hello. Is anyone hearing this?

I'll stop there. I've made my point.

So back on track. My brother-in-law, Blair, made a confession this weekend and I have to admit I agree-- we both cheer for Alabama. It makes the Iron Bowl that much more significant. If both teams entire the game as top 10's, then it makes the game so incredibly intense. Who cares if the teams are nobodies? For a reference, check the late 90's for the Egg Bowl. Bragging rights just aren't as sweet when your 5-6 team demolishes their 3-8 team.

War Eagle!! Roll Tide!! Go to Hell Ole Miss!!

Man, I am "Starved"

Outside of football, I think TV is pretty weak these days. One of my favorite shows has ended up being "Starved." It's on F/X which should tell you something right there.

It's about the humorous, and tragic, lives of 4 friends with eating disorders.

It's a pretty cool show, however it really scared me that my cycling-induced behavior lead to mimicking those folks with hard core eating disorders.

Wow, one more dysfunction to add to my quiver.

Have Another Latte Instead

Seattle strippers upset about a ban on lap dances? How's an honest girl to make a living?