Is It Possible to Live in America Without A Car?

My enthusiasm for commuting took a serious hit when I realized that by the time I clock out of work for the day it's nearly dark outside.

At least this guy made an effort.

Not Fair..

Why should this kid be judged on his sexual orientation. Does it really matter?
I'm calling Jesse.

So, How Was Coach O's First Year at Ole Miss?

Click Here to Find Out!

Thanks dannyRiley

Huh?

Apparently, the complexity of the Alabama state of mind is beyond my comprehension so I'll leave this to everyone else to sort out what the hell he's thinking:

"Apparently gloating over Auburn's fourth consecutive Iron Bowl victory, Tommy Tuberville led his team in waiving [sic] four fingers in the air in the final seconds of the game. Totally classless. I have only one finger to waive [sic] at Tuberville."

And that one finger would be a tremendous statement of class?

Two things for Mark Schreiber of Birmingham: a book of etiquette and a dictionary you stupid phuck-- and you can't waive your right on that one.

And can someone PLEASE get this guy an adult haircut? I'm sorry Taylor, when you hit adulthood, the Campbell's soup people will not put your picture on a can.

Bumper Sticker

Hilarious and No More Parlays

My friend Paul turned me on... end of sentence. Just kidding, let me start that again. My friend Paul turned me on to Cheap Seats on ESPN.

Holy shat, it is HI-LARIOUS. Think "Mystery Science Theater 3000", but with sports. Give it a shot at 9pm (central) weeknights. If LP likes it, it must be kid-friendly.

I picked 2 three-game parlays this weekend. I missed 2 games and guess how? Yep. One game out of each parlay so I went 4-2 and LOST money. NO MORE PARLAYS!!

Then I get home too late to lay bets on the Colts, Giants and Broncos. And guess what? Yep. They all covered. SUCKS!!

I need to bring my A game or just not come at all.

Sites for the Day

Site mostly likely to be visited by 18-34 year old males:
HeatherMitts.com-- man I love soccer

Site most likely to NEVER be updated again:
Brodie Croyle For Heisman

Overrrrated!!!

It only took me 2 seconds to remember exactly how much I HATED 'Bammer this weekend. That's about long it took a whale of a man to sit down behind LP, lop his belly onto her head and start dropping "F" bombs. Even passive ole Gary Z had to turn around and give him a "please, dude" as I showed him my 2-year-old daughter. I guess he forgot he was not in the trailer park and you just can't scream "mother fugger" nonstop at your dirty, web-footed children. This dude was sooooooo fat that Anna saw him, looked at LP and said "Mommy, he big." Yeah, you're the bomb Anna.

They were also retarded methinks. When 'Bammer got the ball on their own 24 yard line this dude said (he made 3 calculations) "aright Bammer, we can take it 86 yards... (pause).... 83 yards.... (pause) ... 77 yards." Oh, shut up. Please stop it, you're hurting me you inbred sister lover.

So the only things I learned about the trailer trash ('Bammer fans) and the Chosen One (Brodie Croyle) are that (1) those cats have almost as much class as a teacher's strike and (b) Brodie is only good for taking a beating like a rubber mattress in a cheap hotel-- or Jeffrey Dahmer in a prison bathroom.

And Bammer folks, please stop sending emails to the paper within 3 minutes of your defeat screaming about "next year." That's the chant of a loser and you've been saying it now for 4 years. You'll win one day, just not for another 364 at best.

2 Live Crew and a Tribute to Zack

What is this?
Is this not America?
This is not China!
This is not Russia!
This is not the place where they brought down the wall, this is America!
We have the right to say what we want to say,
We have the right to do what we want to do,
And what I do in my house, you might not do in your house!
So what I do in my house is my business!
And the simple fact of it all is that we are bonded by the First Amendment!
We have the freedom of expression!
--"Banned in the USA", Luther Campbell, 2 Live Crew

Don't go looking for ZackPe's blog any more. The man might not have liked some of the truth Zack was spitting so now the blog is no more.

The Chinese really did, finally, get to ZackPe.

What To Do With My Life?

Hmmm, perhaps I should open an online poll so someone else can help me decide.

Seems that everyone I talk with that's in software development hates it after about 5 year.

So that means you can go into project management or management, neither of which I have ever had any interest in and perhaps may never. In fact, I've been slapped with the "Team Lead" tag on my current project and I'm trying to get rid of that title faster than a $2 hooker disposes of heroin.

My friend Jeffrey says it's not that we hate programming, it's that we hate programming in Memphis. Good point, because when I walk out of these doors at the end of a day of bangin' what do I have to look forward to outside of my wife and daughter? The Ford family. Heheheehe.

That day is getting closer. The day I finally come completely unraveled and just walk off into the sunset. Hope y'all will meet me there.

It's That Week

Yeah, it's Iron Bowl week. My favorite football week of the year especially when teams are the best they've both been in the past 11 years.

It's...
Punt, Bama, Punt
Buck Fama
Bo Over the Top
The Game that Never Ended
The Tornado Game
The Kick
Wrong Way Bo
Oh, Sh!t Ed Scissum (okay, I made that one up)
The First Time in Auburn

And it's fuggin' ON like a pot full of neck bones!!

Hell Yes!!! It's on 2006 Style!!!!

Motley Crue releases 2006 Carnival of Sins Tour dates

Jesse, Can You Help a Honkey Out?

Jesse Jackson is at it again-- claiming the penalty handed down to Terrell "if I didn't have so much God given talent I'd be in the federal pen right now" Owens by the Eagles was too harsh.

Man, why isn't he helping out Kurt Busch? Kurt did the same thing as Terrell-- engaged in activities that were detrimental to his team.

If you get down to it, Kurt was actually helping his team and sponsors, among whom are Crown Royal and Miller Lite. I bet he was only tanked on alcohol provided by his sponsors so he's true to who supports him.

iPod Nano is The Devil

I guess many Westerners have been fooled into believing that the iPod Nano got its name because it's so small.

However, I am here to tell you the truth. It's called "Nano" because government-designed nanorobots in China are used to build them. They are stealing our jobs! What's wrong with American nanorobots building them? Damn outsourcing.

Worse yet, I understand that American nanorobots are losing their construction jobs to a large influx of nanorobots from Mexico.

Sorry...

He's still dead, guys. Much like your national and SEC title hopes.

Thought You Might Like to Know

Just in case you're ever doing hard time in Missouri, it might be helpful to blend in with prison-specific tattoos. Here are the most popular tattoos in Missouri state penitentiaries:

Tattoo	Inmates
CROSS	1,164
ROSE	550
HEART	533
SKULL	468
EAGLE	440
DRAGON	301
REEPER	172
PANTHER	163
UNICORN	162
STAR	131
WIZARD	127
BUNNY	125
SPIDER	115
BULLET WOUND	107
GRIM REAPER	103

And then Gary Z Shut Up

No bitching about the BCS this morning, eh? Not that we are down to the 2 undefeateds.

Man, what an incredible day of football-- LSU's Jamarcus Russell looked (at times) like the QB he's supposed to be. During the second half, Yella Hammer Bammer looked like the team we all believe they are.

And I had sort of transformation yesterday. I mentioned in previous posts that I actually cheer for 'Bama many times and I needed them to win yesterday to keep Auburn alive in the SEC West chase. However, during the pregame I sat there and watched all those bastards in crimson and white getting ramped up, wearing their Bear Bryant hats, toting around their toilet paper and Tide boxes on a stick and I thought back to all the years I spent in misery as a lowly Auburn fan, getting harassed by those jackass. My upbringing as an orange and blue Tiger man came out full force yesterday. I had enough of 'Bama this year and I wanted their season crushed. Good job LSU. I only wish it had been us that had destroyed their dreams.

And you know what jackasses 'Bama fans are? I GUARANTEE that in the B'ham newspaper this morning most letters to the sports editor with ring with the tones of "Fire Shula." You idiots are spoiled. You can't win the national championship every year (or every 13 years as tradition has it).

And Auburn-UGA, are you kidding me? Wow, what an awesome game that came down to John Vaughn kicking a game winning field goal with 6 seconds left. This guy was a goat a few weeks ago after missing 5 field goals against an LSU team we should have beaten.

Blind Date with a Crack Whore

LP and I met through a blind date.

Thank God it did not turn out like this.

Veteran's Day

I feel like a tool because I kinda forgot that today was Veteran's Day.

I can't understand the sacrifice that these individuals make to keep our country free but even a liberal Demo-Republican like myself can be very thankful.

To each and every veteran of the United States of America.... America, PHUCK YEAH!! We're gonna save the mother phuckin' day!!!!

Pics for Your Enjoyment

The Beast is Built
This is my new Surly Cross Check that I'm using to commute to work on. It's quite a special tank and is a blast to just cruise around on. Hopefully, I'll be brave enough to actually do a few cyclocross races on it.
The handlebar tape? Yeah, that's what happens when you don't specify a color that you want and the bike shop employees get frisky.

Daddy's New Bag
Well, duh. How am I gonna commute if I don't have the signature bag of messengers and commuters-- the Timbuk2. Custom made, which means that, yes, I picked out all colors on this bag including the interior which is light blue .

This bag says I'm just gay enough that it tells the ladies "I'll listen to you and kiss you sweetly" but it's manly enough, like Puck, to let them know "you're still gonna get done HARD."

Dumbass of the Year Award
Apparently, you're not actually supposed to pick up your Bose TriPort headphones or they'll break apart. Oh well, bye bye $150.

Thanks Auburn Tigers

I nailed a 7 game teaser that paid 6 to 1 this weekend.

I was 1 point from hitting a 13.5-to-1 4-game parlay except my Auburn Tigers could not cover the 22.5 spread on Kentucky. Thanks for only beating UK by 22 points guys.

I guess you're never supposed to beat on your own team anyway.

Congrats BCS Beatches

I hate the BCS but it looks like we'll go another year (2006) with it.

UCLA and Va Tech helped reduced the ranks of the unbeaten to 3. That number will be no more than 2 by the first week in December, at latest, as I don't see 'Bama making it past LSU, Auburn and without a loss.

ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit, on College Gameday Final, told Texas (the real UT) and Southern California fans to go ahead and book their reservations to Pasadena because it's a sure thing at this point.

That is another reason I hate the BCS. What if the NFL said "okay fellows, Indy and Atlanta are going to the Super Bowl, no need to finish out this season"?

Thanks for keeping the BCS alive and working another year Bruins and Hokies.

Pig phuckers.

Drats!! I Missed Winter

I went home at lunch today (on November 4th) to run my dog and I can only guess that the nap I took at my desk today lasted 4 months because clearly it is already Spring.

I ran Ally and it was friggin' 80 degrees.

In November? Are you kidding me?

I have an IV in Ally right now to get her rehydrated.

We Hate Lance, We Love Jan

With 115km of time trials and only 3 mountaintop finishes in the 2006 Tour de France could the Tour committee have made it any more obvious who they might like to see wearing yellow in Paris?

They should have just said "we're really sorry you got your ass kicked all these years Jan, but now that we've turned our backs on Lance we'd love to help you out a tad."

Perhaps, they should have just made the Tour consist of 2,000km of time trials and 3 days of dropping X and impregnating chicks at the local rave. I know Jan would win that one.

Get your glowsticks out, here comes the TDF.

Today's Guest Post.... Big Bill Busts a Nutt?

This insight brought to us by guest author Big Bill Barnes:


"This Saturday, live in Fayetteville, AR, a confrontation of pornographic proportions."

"Only in Fayetteville can you see a young Dick, being spear-headed by 2 Nutt's, pop his NCAA cherry as he takes on the Cocks. "

"Translation:
True freshman QB Casey Dick loses his redshirt Saturday, as coach Houston Nutt(and brother Danny) leads the Hogs against the South Carolina Gamecocks. Casey will be the starter."

Standoff in the Stalls

When did we become so bashful in the bathroom?

You're in a stall, what you do in there-- whatever bodily function related noises you make-- can be done with complete anonymity.

So why do people get in there and get all quiet? My friend, Paul T., and I used to coin it "playing the quiet game." People in the stalls would hear someone enter the bathroom and get completely quiet until that person had left. It's even worse when someone hits a stall next to them- they pray that you'll finish and be out quickly so they can get back to pooing.

So Paul and I used to attack the people playing the quiet game. We'd find a victim and get in the stall next to them-- even though etiquette dictates that you NEVER go into a stall next to someone else. After making the victim nervous enough by moving in next door we'd then "punk them out". That is, we'd engage in the loudest and most violent poo we could generate to try and flush the victim out.

And Paul was the master-- I swear he used to eat baby food and jalepenos for breakfast. On time, he scared a victim so badly they nearly came running out of the stall.

So I just left stall 2 at ILS where stalls 1 and 3 were playing the quiet game. And man they were deadlocked. I think they were holding their breath to be as quiet as possible. At the rate those two were going they'll (a) either be in those stalls all day or (2) someone will pull out the white surrender flag and leave without finishing their business.

Just grow up and poo like adults, people.

The Worst They Can Do is Say "No"

So here's an actual conversation I had yesterday with my boss:

GZ: Dan, can I have a 19" monitor?
Dan: Ummm...
GZ: I know I don't exactly deserve it based upon my "rank" but I at least had the balls to come in here and ask for it.
Dan: Let me ask some folks.

And so he does. And we get the answer back that it's being worked on.

That's better than a straight-up no.

I guess all you have to do is ask.

Halloween...Don't You Wish You Were a Kid Again?