Just What We Needed

Thanks donAlsup for this "It Could Only Happen in Memphis" moment.

Three 6 Mafia who just won an Oscar will soon be returning home to the Dirty Souf.

"The trio will be back in Memphis to receive a key to the city Saturday, deemed Three 6 Mafia Day."

I sure hope they perform the song for which they received their Oscar-- "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp."

April 1st in Memphis will forever be known as Three 6 Mafia Day. Lord, I wish this was an April Fool's Joke.

Change of Heart; Let 'Em Roll

I used to believe in the complete separation of the sexes in sports. But, you know, if the rules don't change the game then I say let the gurlzzz roll.

Specifically, I'm speaking of Michelle Wie competing in the John Deere PGA Tourney. If the tees don't change and she thinks she can roll (or any other woman for that matter) then let the best golfer win.

By why not? If a chick can kick a 50-yard field goal, drive the paint on Shaq for a layup or hit a home run off Big Unit then let 'em do it.

I'm all for fair game but I will not stand for compromises-- no 150 yard par 3's on the PGA Tour, no shortening of the football fields or letting them use bigger bats. Just manno - a - womanno or something like that.

Only McGyver Can Imagine the Possibilities

No secret, I work in a business whose goal is to write software and store data that helps match buyers and sellers of commercial and government aviation and marine equipment. And man, do we have a cubic shat ton of data.

Apparently, we have some big government contracts; which means butt tons of government data.

One of ILS's PD (product directors) told me about one "file" the government has. One case is for military ships. They have data on EVERY piece of equipment that is on any given ship. They have specific numbers of extras on hand as well for repairs, etc. based upon repair and usage rates for given equipment.

In addition to knowing every piece of equipment that is on a ship, they also know every component that is required to build that piece of equipment. Trust me, now we're running into the millions or tens of millions or parts. Hell, could even be hundreds of millions. Think about a single friggin' cooking pot-- one handle, one pot, X screws, blah blah blah.

Okay, here's what it gets really crazy. Since we know every component that is required to compose every piece of equipment, the data also tells us what parts can be interchanged.

Can you imagine if everything worked that way? You could figure out all the different applications for that doohickey in your garage.

And now that Purdue U. is working on ways to search by sketches the possibilities are endless.

For Once, the Black Dude is Not Pinned

Numbers of interest:
Duke costs $43,000 per year to attend.
Out of 47 players on the lacrosse team at Duke, 46 are white.

In Memphis this case would have resulted in only one arrest/test, but looks like things are a little different this time around.

Read More

Fix It Preeze

Since I know Big Bill will read this before he reads an email: I'm dumping this monitor from my desk and replacing it with something that's not fuzzy.

Even Clyde can see how fuzzy my sucky ass monitor is.

Thanks for Flying with Us Duke. Buh Bye!!

I'm so FQ'ing tired of the haters who have been slamming Memphis nonstop in the NCAA tourney. They'll be the first #1 seed to lose to a #16, Bucknell.. oops.. Bradley is our Cinderella story. Memphis will be the first #1 seed to lose in this year's tournament, blah, blah, blah.

Well, how about the Almighty Duke seeing the back of LSU's pimp hand last night? Ouch, boys. Put a little compress on that eye and you'll be back on the streets in no time.

I'm not saying that Memphis is bound for the Final Four or a championship but I sure haven't hated on them like the media has.

So,here's to you Duke. Way to surprise everyone by being the first #1 seed to get dunked. And thank you media, here's my one-fingered salute to you cats.

Hater Z.

It's Not Fertilizer, It's Just Rude

I love to hear people argue-- after their dog poos in my yard and they refuse to pick it up-- that "it's fertilizer, it's good for the grass."

Yeah, that's great. If I throw one of Anna's diapers in your yard it might break down to something which might be potentially helpful to your yard-- in 3.5 million years.

If your dog pooing in my yard is so helpful to the soil, why don't you cancel your lawn service and, instead, feed your dog chili and Ex-Lax so they can fertilize YOUR OWN yard. Better yet, I'll eat the chili and Ex-Lax and come do it for you.

The point is, sure it might be helpful to the yard once the nitrogen breaks down but in the 3 months it takes for that to happen it's just a disease-ridden landmine that I prefer none of family step in.

It's Such A Perfect Day...

Last Saturday-- a perfect day? Maybe not, but close.

This was a rest week for me in regards to training. Contrary to popular belief, a "rest" week does not mean you hang out all week and do nothing. You still ride but you just tone it down a tad and get recovered. Plus, I have started working with my old coach again and I knew he was gonna turn the screws on me starting March 20; so I figured I better rest while I can.

Wake up to a hot Freedom (not French press, screw dem) Press of Peet's Peaberry Especial

Golf with my project manager at Stonebridge. The most relaxing 9-holes I've played recently. Had a great day on the course, but lost a bunch of strokes on club selection (an issue when you've never seen a course before) and muddy sections of the fairway.

After golf, came home and washed both bikes, my car and then cleaned out the inside of my car. BTW-- a leaf blower does wonders at blowing out dust and small debris from the crevices.

Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwn. LP and Anna are kickin' it at her Dad's so I take the opportunity of a quiet house to hit the rack and take a nap.

Ahhh, all refreshed now. Drop some wheels off at the bike shop and roll to Memphis Pizza Cafe-- a favorite of ours for noshing.

Couple of Shiner Bocks later and it's time to pick up ZackPe for the Kid Rock concert (I would not have gone it if wasn't free). Way too much beer as Zack was feeding me Bud like we were playing some kind of drinking game.

Kid Rock-- upon entering I almost got molested by a hot drunk skank. I'm not sure if she thought I was hot or if she mistook me for a giant mushroom. I'll pretend it was the former. Should make LP proud; drunk skanks still get all tingly from the Z man. We get an earful of some Rebel yells and wonder what the ALL black concession staff at FedExForum is thinking.

The highlight of the night was Hines Ward running shoeless at the concert. Zack summed it up pretty well here.

Come home, munch on some Girl Scout cookies and peanut butter and hit the hay.

Whew, what a day.

How Big is Your Faith?

Checking the paper yesterday I see that man in Afghanistan is being putting on trial for being a Christian; denouncing Islam.

In this Islamic country, it is a crime, punishable by death, to reject Islam.

Cat's been a Christian for 16-years and says he'll never go any other way. The Court has said they'll drop the charges (charges filed after his own family turned him in) if he converts back to Islam. Dude pulls out his giant cajones and says "no thanks."

That's pretty hardcore. I often wonder, if placed in the situation, if I'd do the same thing. Remember the students who were gunned down at Columbine after they freely stood up and admitted they loved Jesus? Man, my Faith sometimes falters at the smallest things and these folks are putting it ALL on the line.

But I completely understand. Compared to eternity, this life is just a quick flash of light and then it's gone. To denounce what you love so that you can live another 20 years on this earth, worshipping Islam is meaningless compared to an eternity with God.

So yeah, death under Islamic law is preferable to a Godless eternity.

The Afghan court will rule on this case in about 2 months. Keep this guy in mind; pray for him and his family that turned him in; hope that one day we can all find faith that strong.

Better Enjoy It While I Can

Dear God. I'm already paranoid that I'm gonna drop dead at an early age.

Here's something I did not need to see. Of course, maybe it's good that I did see this. Since I only have 10 years left to live I'm gonna go raise Hell...

Life expectancy of a Zyriek versus the general population:


For full page... go here

Pucky and Hi, Zyriek That Is

I've been bad about getting the word out, but LP and I are expecting our second child this September.

Anna is pretty excited at the prospect of being a big sister. When we ask her if she'll have a little brother or little sister she replies "a little brother AND a little sister." I get light-headed when she says that because I fear she might know something we don't.

As for names, Anna has decided the new sibling will be named Pucky or Hi. Not sure if that's "Hi" or "H.I." from "Raising Arizona."

Gimme 3 Bills, Gimme 3 Bills Mister... And You'll Never Hear From Me No More

Got the estimate on the TV repair-- $300.

And yep, I'm doing it. Simple math.

I've already determined that when I get a real TV, it's gonna cost me around $2,500 by the time I get the HDTV, cables, etc. Quite simply, I don't have $2,500 and I told LP that I'd like to buy the TV when I have about 75% of that amount in cash in my pocket.

Now, I know that's not the American way. I'm gonna kill our economy with this sort of spending habit. If I was a true blood I would have spent the $2,500 on a new TV so I could save from spending $300 on an old TV and that would make the world at peace. However, as my friend KY says, the only way the preceding formula works is to use "some of that fuzzy Warshington math."

In addition, I'm not sure I want HD yet (although I hear it's unreal) when there are only like 8 stations that even broadcast HDTV in my area. And even if they were all HDTV I'm not convinced I want to see Howie Mandel's bald headin HDTV when LP and I watch "Deal or No Deal."

Drip Drip Drip... New Lease on Life, er Riding

So after over 3 months off the bike, numerous blog entries about hating riding, golfing galore and eating McDonald's 'til I want to throw up I decided to get on the bike.

By admitting past regrets we are able to move on, right? Well, outside of my family my greatest joy comes from riding. And a few years ago I decided I needed to "retire" from serious racing. So I switched to a Memphis-based team and never exactly retired like I planned. Now, I have NEVER had a good experience with the Memphis team but I figured I was no longer an "elite" rider so I should not hog a spot on Herring's roster. I've become a master at self-torture in case you haven't noticed. I'm the only guy who could screw up his own wet dreams. Well, yeah. I phucked up that deal. I regret it every day I get on the bike and put on that shitty blue and red jersey, but that's life and we have to live with our decisions.

After 3 months off the bike and pretty much zero emotional support from my team (this is where Frank Moak gets mega kudos. He is a master leader and role model) except from my super close friends-- but thankfully they would have been there for me anyway-- I think I finally got rested; physically at least. But it's a shame that I can't express to this group what exactly I went through-- many days wishing I was dead because I would go weeks at a time and be in a complete stupor from such horrendous fatigue. There's a lot to learn from veterans who were injured in battle-- if that's a good analogy.

So I spoke with my former coach a few weeks ago. He has stopped working with the coaching group he is a part of. That's a shame because he is one of the most talented coaches I have ever spoken with. Seems we share a knack for getting ourselves into shitty situations sometimes.

But that's life and what doesn't kill us... right? Right. 'Cause everything's been on the up and up. By going through some of these crazy situations I've learned I've got some great friends in Dacek, KY and ZackPe, a super supportive wife, an awesome Shorty, a tremendous coach and a generally good life. Hell, I haven't even tried to kick it "Escape from New York" style lately and bag Memphis. That says something right there.

But getting back into riding has made me realize that I gotta rid of my "Ronald Fat" from all those yummy McD's fries. I started doing my own variation of the Drip diet.
I'll report more on that later. Da man is breathing down my neck right now... damn project.

America Should Just Stop Making Cars

Aight, let the hate emails begin. But I put it out there.

But America should just stop making cars. Why? Because it's not their strength. Just like I quit the flag football league at church a few years ago and went back to bike riding.

Plus, American cars are about as reliable as Robert Downey, Jr. delivering a kilo of cocaine for you.

However, there are exceptions. Damn dependability and reliability; America makes some kick ass cars so here's a few that we should keep making.

Full-Sized Trucks
--------------------
>> Ford F-150-- It looks good and it's a man's truck.

Giant Work Trucks
--------------------
>> Dodge 3500 Dually with Cummins deisel-- because you can pull your house to the next county with this bad boy

Full-Sized SUVS
--------------------
>> Ford Excursion-- nothing represents the wasteful and "think big" nature of America like a 19 foot SUV with a V-10 engine
>> Cadillac Escalade-- because drug dealers and NBA players need a truck as well
>> GMC Yukon Denali / Yukon XL Denali-- I just like they way they look at they appear to be more for "whitey" or people who can't drive a layup in the paint than the Escalade.

Super Cars
--------------------
>> Corvette Z06-- yeah bitch, America makes a super car that will FQ your Ferrari up. And it's only $70,000 to boot
>> Dodge Viper-- grrrr. Daddy like monster engine

Mullet Cars
--------------------
>> Ford Mustang-- because mullets need a car to cruise the strip (Panama City Beach) and go to Kid Rock concerts in as well
>> Dodge Charge with Hemi V8-- if it's good enough for the Duke Boys, it's good enough for ANY American.

Luxury Cars
--------------------
>> Ford Crown Vic-- because if you're a pimp, sometimes you want to leave the Escalade at home.

Jokes for the Day

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the golf course and I was at the
beginning of my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came
over the loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Ignoring it didn't work; a moment later, again came the announcement:
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating. The third time, the man
was practically yelling: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to
the men's tee!!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at
the person with the microphone and shouted back, "Would the idiot in the
clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?! "



OR

A woman comes in early from a round of golf and visits the club house.

Her instructor sees her and asks why she's in so early.

"I got stung by a bee." replies the lady.

"Where?" asks her instructor.

"Between the first and second holes."

"Your stance is too wide."

Where's the Vomitorium?

Ugh, sometimes I get starving while at work and then pay for it at lunch.

Before Lunch
-----------------
Birthday cake

Lunch
-----------------
Beer
Fried fish
French fries

After Lunch
-----------------
More cake

I think I can hear myself getting fatter

Phuck That Noize

Don't get me wrong, I love ILS more than you can imagine.

But I've been working a lot the past month-- staying up late, stressing out (yelling at the dog and my family does not make things exactly pleasant at home) and generally losing quality of life.

To reward my dediction, I got a 2.53% raise.

What does the jury say?

According to Robert Half International's salary figures.
Software Developer: base salary of $57,250 - $90,250
+5% for ASP Development Skillz
+5% for VB Development Skillz
+10% for DCOM/COM/ActiveX Development Skillz
+10% for VB.Net Development Skillz

Memphis IT market has a -5% adjustment.

Final Tally:
My salary SHOULD BE in the range of $70,700 - $111,500.

The more I think about it, the more likely I am to just piss on my computer and phucking walk.

Muscle Man and Another Bites the Dust

While I was out of town eating tons of awesome homemade food and racing my bike in LA, our TV at home died. The old critter, all 32 inches and 156 pounds of her, just stopped working.

Luckily we had a backup from upstairs that LP's parents helped her move downstairs.

However, I am now charged with the task of taking the dinosaur to the repair shop. I used a dolly to roll her outside to my car last night. Upon finding that all my neighbors were out for the eve-- Wednesday night church ya know, at least my neighbors are good Baptists. Well, at least my neighbors who can speak English are good Baptist folk.

So I can't find anyone to help me put the TV in my car. LP says she'll call her step-dad to come over. That seemed like a lot of trouble just to move a boat anchor 24 inches into the back of the Pathy.

So doing my best Magnus impression, I gave a good long howling grunt and let that CRT know who the boss was. I think that's when LP dropped the phone and realized that calling her step-dad would be pointless as the testosterone raging through my body made my IQ drop by 40 points.

Ahh, I felt manly for that act. Now, let's chalk it up to another electronic device that's met its demise under the Zyriek regime.

I'm Not Above CR, Uncle Fred

College football season, SuperBowl, Tour De France, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, Consumer Reports car issue-- things I look forward to during the year.

I love to get it and see how poorly some of the cars are doing then rave about how good the imports are doing. I email my friend DR as soon as we both have our issues so we can rip on Fords and share our shock and awe about how ANYONE in the U.S. can possibly think it's logical to buy a Jeep.

However, this year was different. According to CR, my beloved Nissan seems to be getting a little worse in reliability with each passing year. Not sure what those guys are up to at Nissan.

Now, I take my CR very seriously and I still stand by it. Despite my uber positive experience with my Pathy I will not play Uncle Fred. In psychology we referred to it as the "man who" phenomenon and I love it. People will dispose of tremendous amounts of scientific material because they knew a "MAN WHO smoked for 40 years and never got lung cancer" or "my Uncle Fred has a Ford and never has a lick of trouble with it."

So I play the numbers. In fact, my mother-in-law has had 3 Ford Explorers in a row and has had nearly zero trouble from them. But you know what-- those Fords are statistically pieces of sh$% and she's been pretty darn lucky in my opinion. Perhaps one reason is that she drives her car at the speed limit at all times and never breaks 65mph on the interstate. Me on the other hand, I give my stuff Hell. I'm very aware of my gas mileage at 85mph and am familiar with the governor on my car (kicks in at 104 mph).

So, when it comes time to buy another car in 3 or 4 or 5 years, Nissan is going right back on the table with everyone else and we'll start the shopping process all over again with a clean slate.

I wish I could say the same thing about my dog, but those damn Weimaraners are off my list forever.

ZACK !! IT'S 5:15 !!

So came the booming voice of Zack's Uncle Dan cutting the darkness in our room like a clap of thunder.

Zack's Uncle Dan, 80-years-old, with a sharp wit and handshake like a bear trap but can't hear a nuclear bomb if it were set off in the kitchen.

Then the negotiating starts:
Z: Uncle Dan, we're not getting up 'til 5:45.
UD: 5:25 ?
Z: FORTY-FIVE!!
UD: Thirty-five?
Z: FOUR (holding up four fingers)!! FOURTY-FIVE !!
UD: Oh, forty-five.

Zack and I stayed with his Aunt Guy and Uncle Dan in Baton Rouge (Prairieville to be exact) so we could see his family and save some $$ on a hotel room during our race weekend. Plus, Auntie and Uncle are a much better option than staying where the race is since St. Francisville, LA only has one hotel and one restaurant and neither one is that great.

Well, speaking of eating, Zack's Aunt Guy fed us like cattle heading off to slaughter and I loved every second of it. ZackPe and I contemplated making ourselves throw up so we could eat more shrimp etoufee over angel hair pasta.

Zack's got some incredible family and they don't ever seem to slow down.

So my first race in about 7 months went okay for the most part.

45 minutes in, our team leader broke a spoke and I happened to be right beside him. Within about 20 seconds I was on the side of the road locking up my brakes and giving him my wheel so he could continue. It paid off as he won the race, riding like a man possessed, but it sucked for me as I had trouble getting a new wheel and could not catch back up to the pack.

After chasing the pack for about 20 minutes I gave up and resigned to the fact that I'd be doing a long training ride by myself in the middle of BFLA (Bumble FQ Louisiana). However, funny things happen. In my time of tooling around on the bike I managed to cut the course short and ended up getting ahead of the pack. Ah, sweet revenge. Although, I was officially out of the race, I still jumped back in and rode with the pack for the next 2 hours. After that, the race got super hard and blew apart. Despite the fact that I was feeling good and riding pretty darn strong I decided to drop out when I met Zack and his Moms at the feed zone at mile 80. Yeah, I could have finished but I would have had hell to pay for the next 3 days. The difference between 80 miles and finishing up the race at 102 miles with more horrible gravel to come was like night and day. I was super happy about the way I rode and felt no shame about cutting my day short.

A Little Fun with Numbers
Over 4-- number of minutes that the race winner, Mike O., finished ahead of the next group of folks behind him. That's unreal. He rode the last 30 miles by himself. You just don't do that unless you're a genetic freak. Oh yeah, Mike is a genetic freak. He honestly should be on a pro team.

6-- number of traffic halting wrecks that ZackPe and I ran into during our trip. This has got to be a new record outside a NASCAR race

2640-- number of calories I burned during the 80 miles I actually raced

30-- seconds it took me to slam on the brakes, pop out my rear wheel and give it to our team leader who went on to win the race

4-- number of wheels I had to pull out of the spare wheel truck before I found one that worked

20-- number of minutes I rode all out before I gave up on ever catching the pack

2-- number of wrong turns I took while chasing the group. One of which ended up causing me to cut the course short and actually get back in the race.

27-- number of teeth on my uber climbing gear that I was going to specifically use on this course

21-- number of teeth on the "easiest" cog I ended up with after my wheel change-- effectively taking me from a diesel climbing gear to a gear more suited for overdrive.

3-- approximate inches of gravel and sand that was sucking everyone's wheels down and causing everyone to either crash or get off their bikes and run uphill.

3-- number of times I had to get off and walk my bike uphill. Better than most as I seemed to stay on my bike a majority of the time and pass a bunch of people who were trudging along.

1-- number of pedals I trashed on the gravel roads of Rouge-Roubaix

15-- number of times Zack's Uncle Dan and Aunt Guy made me laugh so hard that I nearly peed on myself.