This is the State I Live In

First off, back off KY because I ended the title in a preposition. Now, let's move on.

Goings on in Tennessee. Don't get me wrong. I love Tennessee, hate Memfrica. But this is the redneck state I live in. The Dept of Human Services has teamed with the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency to prohibit anyone behind on their child support payments from having a hunting or fishing license. Way to hit them where it hurts.

But let's got a step further and start other restrictions while we're on hunting or fishing.

-- No entry into any NASCAR/Busch/Craftsman Truck Series racing series event
-- No more Dale Earnhardt or Jr. stickers allowed on your cars
-- No NASCAR clothing
-- No more satellite TV
-- Deadbeat dads cannot own ANY piece of UT orange clothing unless it's their prison jumpsuit
-- No license or ability to purchase any truck other than a base package Nissan Frontier 'cause no real man would be caught in that foreign made POS, right?
-- Would not be allowed to own or operate any off-road vehicle including ATVs, motorcycles or dune buggies
-- Would only be allowed to purchase Zima except on Super Bowl Sunday where they'd be allowed to buy Zima and/or wine coolers

I'm sure we'll come up with some more but I might actually do some work today

I'm Not Racist...

...I hate anyone who's a dumbass regardless of color, nationality or religion. I don't discrimihate.

So who's the target of my rage today? How 'bout the usual suspect-- the City of Memphis.

Let me vent first: You guys are a bunch of pig-phucking, d1ck-licking, snake-sh1t-eating jackasses and I hope you get arse raped with the business end of a herpes infected cactus.

Whew, that almost got all my hate out.

Topic: Memphis annexes a portion of Southwind bringing 155 more students into the school system that they can't handle. Now, they ask Shelby County if the county can just take care of those students. The County is all like [and I paraphrase] "well, if you cats annex a portion of property you take it all-- the tax base AND the students... so y'all need to refer to the above paragraph by Gary Zyriek regarding how we feel about you."

Isn't this just typical Memphis? We have a Mayor who FINALLY takes responsibility for having a child out of wedlock then, when his hands are tied, figures he'll support the child financially. This is the same situation. W.W. wants every piece of property (aka ass) that he can get his hands on but then he doesn't want to take responsibility for the shorties that come along with it.

If intelligent thinking was fuel, the Memphis City Government would not be able to produce enough energy to power a Cheerio-sized piston.

Lemme Show My Neck... Redneck That Is

So I'm obviously not afraid to admit that I rocked out with my cuck out this past summer seeing the Crue in Memphis and Little Rock. But I'm from Lower Alabama so I can get away with that.

My rock idols from a nether-life, eh?

So then I decide to read their autobiography: The Dirt. Let me say that these guys are by no means "nice folk." I figured they'd turn on a bad boy act on stage then return to a normal life afterwards. Boy, how stupid am I? Fighting and fq'ing anything that moves, an inability to form any meaningful relationships and a complete disregard for others (even themselves).

And what strikes me most? They ALL had phucked up family lives-- lack of parents or abusive parents or parents who just did not care to love or discipline their children. I don't think that's a coincidence. I think these guys had tremendous artistic talent but could not seem to get themselves together enough to piece meal more than one good album together-- Nikki Sixx says that all their albums we're fueled by fighting, heavy drugs and alcohol and each sh1tty album prior to Dr. Feelgood caused them to teter on the verge of extinction.

So I won't be reading any parenting books written by the Crue; but I hope they come back to Memfuss.

Just Make a Small Stand

So it's no secret that I hate Wal-Mart. They import and surplus huge quantities of low-grade products from China.

And China is the devil. Come on, American consumers are willingly handing billions of dollars to a country that HATES us. Seriously, they do. They're a communist country who is trying to devalue our currency and keep us in a huge trade deficit with them. They're also working their asses off to steal our military and technology secrets so they can build better weapons.

So why not make a small stand; do SOMETHING. Personally, I do not shop at Wal-Mart or Sam's at all. Sure they sell the cheapest sh1t out there, but you're selling out on America whenever you support those phuckers. Plus, check the quality of the sh1t you're buying. It's really not there. But we are too consumed with how cheaply we can get something and don't even see that we're buying all these goods from the devil himself.

And try to buy American/non-Chinese when you can. No, this is not easy. Apparently, we are a country of consumers and we really don't manufactur anything here these days. But if you have a choice, try to support companies and buy products from a country other than China.

My other small stand is urinating on the buffets at Chinese restaurants. And beware, because I travel around outside Memfuss quite a bit.

I Guess You Might Decide That You'll Need This

So I'm in one of the gift shops/mini-grocery store in my hotel at Disney World and I come across these.

Wow. Are you allowed to do that on DisneyWorld's property? I guess after a week with the kids if you somehow feel frisky enough to get it on, you'll need these to prevent a growth in the headcount for the next trip to DSW.

Must be the Night Fever

After my conference Monday I went and did the usual-- worked out.

Then I did a little swimming around. I'm sure ZackPe categorizes waterslides up there with Chuck-E-Cheese and Camaros but, screw it, I went down the waterslide a few times at my hotel pool. A little hot tubbing to top it off and I'm ready to hit Downtown Disney.

The coworker I'm traveling with decided to stay in his room, eat pizza and work so I had to fly solo which is fine since Disney makes everything very easily accessible.

I found a nice little Cuban restaurant and worked hard to spend my gigantic $35 per diem but did so after a few mixed drinks, appetizers, dinner, dessert and Cuban coffee. Man, how am I gonna create a caloric deficit here? Answer: obviously I'm not. But in this world down here of fat asses I look like I've been stricken with AIDS.

Downtown Disney is broken into 2 parts-- a Marketplace for shopping and Pleasure Island which, to my disappointment, a series of nightclubs. I went to a place off PI and found a theater where I caught MI:3. I'll give it a 6.5/10. It's like pron-- the dialog sucks but the action scenes are worth waiting for.

Waiting for the bus back to the resort I chatted it up with a young dude who had obviously been trolling PI for young chickies. I asked if any locals came to PI or was it all tourists? He was all like "man, I dunno. I'm from Memphis." Snap, I can't get away from that place. He was a cool dude-- he is the keeper of the Blue Bus. Remember that old school bus that the U or M alums put together and painted so they could tailgate at games? Apparently, that thing lives at his house.

Aight, I gotta go to more conferences. These things are so gosh damn boring I'm gonna surf the net for my next career move. Coming to this conference may have been the worst thing I could have done for my career-- these are some fuggin' boring folks and horrendous topics.

Orlando, Day 2, Prequel

The weather has been so nice here that I slept with the door open to my 1 person balcony last night.

About 5.45am the leaf blowers started up so I closed the doors for a little more shuteye until the family next door had family lost it-- you know, lost it good ole vacation style.

father: (talking to child) we're not gonna go to breakfast unless you want to. we're not gonna eat, but we'll go if you want to.
mother: let's all go to breakfast.

father: if he wants to sit here on the bed and eat raisins and watch TV then FINE !
mother: HE'S 4 YEARS OLD.

father: whatever.
mother: (getting hysterical) I AM NOT GONNA EAT BREAKFAST ALONE AGAIN.... YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

Man, I'd love to open the door to our adjoining rooms and get the rest of the dialog but it's time to shower.

Orlando, Day 2

Phucking $4 for an apple and plain bagel? Fine, I'll expense it.

Today is not over but while I'm blogging... the current session was supposed to be on some technology that I actually use. It's not. The speaker said if you're not developing in C++ then this session is not for you. That is, it's not for me.

I like Orlando and here's another reason. Disneyworld makes me feel thin. I mean, when did EVERYONE get fat as phuck and decide to put on bathing suits and whale around? Damn, even many of the children here have man-tits. It's really quite sick that so much of the population just does not care about their health.

But all the better for me. We had a long lunch today so I strutted my Adonnis like body out by the pool (yes, even being overweight and with a farmer's tan I'm pretty hot in comparison) and chilled in the sun for a little while.

Shoot. I better go learn something or ILS is gonna freak.

Orlando, Day 1

From suicidal tendencies to elation.

I am here for special pre- and post-conference discussions. Instead of a bunch of short sessions, we stay in one special topical ALL DAY long. So I started my day with a new MS technology that I know we won't be using at ILS. Then I hopped to agile management-- great topic if you've ever read up on it; horrible speaker. I was getting pretty depressed about my career in general-- how phucking boring could this be? I'd much rather have been at a coaching or sports physiology conference than this.

After lunch I hit a very tech specific discussion of Visual Basic. Hmmm, life is getting better. After that I managed to work my way into a waaaaaay crowded room where Rockford Lhotka was speaking. Odd that one of the most brilliant MS business object minds in the country is named Rocky. I also did not figure him to be a goofy white dude with a goatee. I just assume bad ass programmers with a last name like Lhotka are gonna be some derivative of Eastern Bloc descent and speak English like someone from Dr. Zhivago. I was wrong.

One of my coworkers worships Lhotka and now I understand why. Man, this guy makes me wanna go out and recode everything I've ever written.

I'll be sure to get his next framework books that's coming out.

In the Land of Fat, Plastic and $4 Cokes

Disneyworld, dat's how Gary Z rolls.

Yep, I'm in Orlando all this week for a work conference. And y'all know my work-- software developer. I can't tell if this is an IT get-together or world's largest casting call for "Sixty-Year-Old Virgin." I periodically taunt my colleagues with remarks like "I once French kissed a girl, how 'bout you?" or "I've had sex... with a woman... booyah!!" or if someone wears shorts I gaze at their pasty legs and get all like "shat!! Return of the mummy!!!"

Okay, enough about my nerdy ilk-- of which I am one I reckon. I'm trying to get everyone updated on my goings-on down here with some scathing commentary, 'cause I know that's what y'all dig. Sick fugs that you are.

But for real, Orlando is not; "real" that is. It's a sterile, perfect plastic environment. We're staying in an area where the landscape was mowed over so that a replica of the Atlantic City boardwalk could be constructed.

But I have to remember to not view this place t/ the eyes of a 35-year-old, but try to imagine how Anna might view it. And I have a feeling that she would pee herself at the place I'm staying now.

The anti-rub to this. I don't care. I dig it. In fact, I could handle 80 degrees year round with no seasons. The best years of my life were living in Florida. I think that except for football season, the changing of the seasons is overrated. Wearing sweaters at football games is great, sweating at them is not. Otherwise I like running and riding while it's warm out. Del Boca Vista--here we come !!

The one thing I have never liked about DisneyWorld is the nickel and diming. I'm staying in a place on the property that's 3 bills a night but I have to pay $10 for internet service... and it's not even wireless. Heck, for 3 bills I should get free internet and a Swedish massage every night. Hmmm, might look into that.

I texted LP and told her there's more here to blog about than I remotely have time for but I'll try to keep everyone up to date.

Chuck Norris Invented the Internet... As a Place to Store All His Pron

Just to clarify; in the age of spam filters, nosey admins, etc. we have to play some substitutions. Therefore, if you're not familiar with the term "pron" or "pr0n" it's all about nekkidness and humping and whatnot and is delivered via paper/magazine, streaming video or VHS/DVD/Hi-8. Get it? Cool, let's proceed.

Since Chuck Norris is the baddest man alive and since he invented the internet as a place to store his massive pron collection, I'm curious to know what system hardware Chuck uses.

It's no secret that the pron industry drives a lot of technology on the web. They have to deliver reliable service and screaming fast video so they're typically the ones pioneering such technologies. In addition, you have to be able to support your customers with a massive hardware infrastructure. 'Cause the only thing worse that playing with yourself in front of the computer is doing it to a slow connection and choppy video-- at least that's what zackPe told me since his divorce.

And then I wonder what kind of software work goes on in these places. Is it cutting edge as well? I'm sure the money is unreal.

But let's say that you're in hardware or software development and you find a way to work your trade in that industry. First, how do you even find that job? Unlikely that it's posted on Monster.com and my local recruiter certainly does not know of any openings. I checked; apparently the pron industry does not call Robert Half Technology to find programmers.

But anyway. So you're a hardware or software person. You get the offer. Money falls from trees. Unlimited resources at your disposal. You want to order 10 Blade servers? No problem you just do it. I want to get rid of my fuzzy monitor; use the company credit card and buy a new one, no questions asked.

And let's say you get a job where you have ZERO exposure to the actual pron industry. You're maintaining a server farm or a customer database or doing some programming work-- but you're NEVER exposed to the humpity-hump stuff that goes on.

Do you do it? Scruples question here, right? What about for 2 bills an hour and at the end of the day you jump in your Jag and go eat dinner with your family like every other normal person?

Hmmm, is this like "Indecent Proposal"?

Left No Skin in the Dirty South

Went back to Sweet Home this weekend for a little bike racing-- Anniston, AL. However, if you're from L.A., the unabridged name for a Northern city like Anniston might be "liberal, momma-hating Yankees." But it's all a matter of context, right?

So Anniston has turned into quite a nice race. We had 80 starters and $50 and $100 primes were falling like rain which kept the race pretty fast the entire night. After a horrible start I wormed my way up to the top 15-25 folks and stayed there all night. I was hoping to sit in and wait for the legs to start feeling good; however, they never did.

We raced the entire night with ZERO crashes, which was not a good thing because it meant the remaining folks left at the sprint were gonna be maniacs-- and they did not disappoint. I spent the few remaining laps taking digs to move myself up closer to the front. That was working out great until one lap to go. Coming into the finishing stretch, I took a turn hard inside and accelerated like crazy. And that's when the chaos started. Dude next to me clipped a pedal and nearly found the barricades. Another guy beside me blew a tire. I'm still accelerating when the dude in front of me manages to violently throw himself to the pavement. I need time to sort these things out so I grab a handful of brakes until I can see which direction he's gonna slide. He slides left, I go right but slowing down to nothing takes me completely out of the race. I pass his carcass and see someone flipping in my rear view. Take a deep breath, finish the race and just be thankful to have not lost a pound of flesh in the finish that seemed to resemble the opening 20 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan."

However, we find out a few minutes later that the guy flipping behind me was a teammate and he's been carted off to the hospital. 3 hours later, all comes back negative-- he just feels like a truck hit him. He split for some sh1tty Mexican food which settles quite well (not) at 10.30 in da P.M.

Sunday morning. My bud Brian and I loading up my car and getting ready to murder the Hampton Inn breakfast when this skank walks by my car:
Skank-- Y'all going to breakfast.
Me-- Uh....
Brian-- Yeah.

Skank-- What's your name?
Me-- Uh....
Brian-- Brian. What's yours?

Answers in 3...2...1

Skank-- Jessica.

First red flag. For someone to initiate a conversation then take 3 seconds to answer the question "what's your name?" is a little suspicious. Also, I noticed the name tattooed on the back of her neck was only 5 letters-- too short to be a "Jessica." Unless, of course, the tat read "BITCH" or "WHORE".

I fondly referred to her as our meth-head stripper, but my friend Clark said the appropriate name is "lot lizard." Apparently, she's of the ilk of prostitutes that trolls truck stops looking for action from the truckers. Not sure that my Japanese-made Pathfinder qualifies Brian or me as "truckers" but maybe she's into that.

We planned on riding Cheaha... here's the language lesson for everyone because I'm tired of them butchering the name. Cheaha-- it's 2 syllables and sounds like Chee-ha. Not Chee-haw or Chee-uh-ha. Anywho, we skipped that ride because of bad rain all day in Anniston/Piedmont. Instead, we jetted back to Memphis and enjoyed a few hours of riding in the sunshine.

Does Love Even Exist Any Longer?

I can't believe it does after zackPe sent me this article snip:

LOS ANGELES -- Baywatch actress Donna D'Errico has filed for divorce from her husband of nine years, Motley Crue bass player Nikki Sixx.

D'Errico cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split, according to court documents filed Friday in Superior Court.

She is seeking physical custody and joint legal custody of the couple's five-year-old daughter, Frankie-Jean, and her 13-year-old son, Rhyan, from a previous relationship. D'Errico is also seeking spousal support.

Another Sign the End is Near

"American Idol" winner Fantasia Barrino will play herself in a Lifetime movie that will show how the teenage single mother overcame poverty, sexual abuse and illiteracy to win the hit talent show.

Right, just because you got a lot of votes from hormonally charged 13-year-old girls texting from their Razr's does not mean that you hit it big or are a role model for anyone else.

I would prefer to see the movie about the girl who decided to NOT be an unwed teenage mother with crackhead parents and also learned how to read and go to school instead to taking the top off her "baby's daddy" wang while he sipped his gin and juice... with his mind on his money and his money on his mind.

Werd to beatches.

Relocation?

Not that any legimate IT work ever gets accomplished at ServiceMaster Clean; so I expect them to relocate to Seattle since it is the gaming epicenter of the universe.

I'm gonna start writing on my SMC experiences here soon. It's too damn funny not to.

How 'Bout a Ki' ?

Man, how many friggin' calls am I gonna get from headhunters? They place you in a job and they get a HUGE cut from the company that hires you. But it gets pretty damn annoying.

You know, the cats who call up...
"Hey, I've got great job for you."
"I've already got a great job."
"Yeah, but you can't pass this opportunity up."
"Okay, let's here it."
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
"That sounds pretty good. What's the pay?"
"$90,000 straight up."
"Hmmm. I tell you what. How 'bout the 90g plus a kilo of coke?"
"Huh?"
"Yeah, and the wife's outta town next week so maybe you can deliver that key to my house in your sexy little red outfit with the..."

1 in 18 Must Be One In a Million For Me

I've got lots of posts to catch up on, let 'er rip.

This weekend was another run, run ragged weekend.

Friday night-- party at the home of the one of the partners at LP's work. Must be nice to drop $1 mil on your house then top it off with over $200,000 in decorating. Five years ago I was all up on that and thinking LP was partner track. Of course, That's when she was only working 50 hr/week. Now she's only working 85% but is closing in on 70 hr work weeks at times. Yeah, her "flexible work arrangement is working out great." Phuck all that, I want my wife back.

Saturday morning-- supposed to be t'storms all day so I got out early on the bike. Four hard hours of riding later and I'm feeling great, but no sign of any rain. Damn the weather man.

Saturday night-- Grizzlies game- Game 3 against the Mavericks. Grizzlies somehow lead this game for 45 minutes. Last 3 minutes starts see-sawing. LP calls this one in advance-- Dirk Nowitzki drains a 3 pointer with 15 seconds left to send the game into overtime. The arena nearly empties; everyone seems to know the inevitable is about to happen, and it does. Memphis gets their asses handed to them in OT. That 3-pointer and subsequent loss sucked the life out of the entire city and Memphis's 26 point loss to Dallas last night is clear evidence.

Sunday morning-- Amazing that I've been playing golf for like 20 years now (took a few off in there) but never played in a scramble. My company had their annual tourney this past weekend so I boned up and hooked up with an Englishman, a Canadian and a Kalifornication wearing a Texas hat-- hmm, odds of that?

For everyone that feels there is no strategy in bike racing, that it's just riding your bike, I bluntly tell them they're wrong. For my cycling friends who say there's no strategy in golf, that it's just hitting a little white ball, I bluntly tell them they're wrong. Hitting a ball and playing a game of golf are about as different as riding your bike down the street versus riding in the Tour de France.

So basic scramble strategy-- all four folks tee off, you take the best shot and everyone plays their ball from there and so on.

The front 9-- if one of us hit a bad ball, we ALL hit bad balls. It was horrible. We were like mirror images of one another. We'd have 4 shots at a green 30 yards away and we'd miss. Of course, the wet, muddy course was gruesome, but come on!!

Back 9-- we turned it around. I was driving the ball horribly but I was lethal from 160 yards in, even winning a closest to pin contest on a 158 yard par 3 where I put the ball about 4 feet from the pin. America, phuck yeah !! To save my sorry driving, the Canadian on the team was hitting the ball off the tee box a la Happy Gilmore. Oh Canada...

But I was more impressed that I played an entire 18 holes of golf without losing a single ball. Odd, perhaps I was not doing something correctly.

Well, at least I did it better than the Griz.