I Can Kinda Relate...

Thanks Don A.

Vacation Food Tour

What good is vacation if you can't eat all the garbage you want? Well, I went back to my 225 lb. days for the week-- no working out and all the ice cream and beer I felt like.

However, I didn't eat everything I ran into-- here's a couple of items I passed up.

Waynesboro, AL-- who the phuck eats this?


Olive Branch, MS-- Flying J. Hard to tell from pic, but these things were like 12 inch long pigs-in-a-blanket


The Pizza That Nearly Caused a Divorce
Friday night, LP and I were hankering for seafood. At roughly 6pm we went to a place that had such a long wait that they were no longer even taking names.

We got a tip from a local to try this other place about 15 miles away. It's in the middle of nowhere. We get lost a tad bit, I refuse to ask for directions, Anna throws her $1 Target binoculars out the car window and loses it (she thinks the world of those darn cheap plastic things), we turn around in the middle of highway to fetch them. We finally get to the 2nd restaurant and it's a shat-hole with a 1 hour wait. We're all starving so we backtrack to Mellow Mushroom-- hardly the seafood we set out for. We order some bread sticks thinking we can get those quickly. Our waiter forgets to turn in our order so we finally get breadsticks 45 minutes later. They're delivered by someone other than our waiter and when LP quips "nice, 45 minutes later" this guy gives a [I could give a shat less] "sorry." Pizza finally arrives 1 hour after sitting down. Waiter sucks, I go to the back and push my way through wait staff to get LP a refill on water. Waiter never checks on us during our hour wait. LP asks for manager. OH NO, it's the same fat phuck who delivered our bread sticks with his can't give a phuck attitude. LP lays into him while Anna lays her head on the table in dispair and I cower at the thought this is the same woman that I dared confront just a few hours earlier over missed turns while driving. Manager assures us that our meal is taken care of. I don't want a free meal, I want the our of my life back that was stolen by Mellow Mushroom. Our waiter FINALLY returns to bring us our "bill." Why the phuck did he even bring this to us? Am I gonna put this receipt into Quicken? Thanks Daniel. You suck.

Am I The Only Paying $3 / Gallon for Gas ?

LP, Anna and I took a little family vacation to waaaaaaaay Lower Alabama this weekend to relax on the beach.

We had a great trip. The place where we stayed looked like a GMC/Chevy dealership. The family cars of choice were the Yukon/Tahoe and Yukon XL/Suburban. I mean, TONS of these mammoth SUV's. Are these folks getting a discount on gas 'cause that's a lot of gas guzzling vehicle to haul around.

Paralyzed American and the Lebanese... Deserving of What They Got?

Pomplona, Spain-- Annual Running of the Bulls. An American was paralyzed during the festivities. He was not running with the bulls. He was participating in an activity where people run up and pull on the ears and tails of bulls. Bull gets ahold of dude, breaks a few vertebrae and now dude will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair and pissing in a bag.

I won't say he deserved it because no one deserves to spend the rest of their life immobilized... but was he asking for it? I think you kinda take that risk when you start phucking with a large, live animal; causing it pain and bothering it. I don't pull on my dog's ears 'cause I figured she'd bite me. Why would one do it to a 2,000 pound bull?

More serious. Israel bombing the Hell out of Lebanon. Despite pleading by the rest of the world, Lebanon has refused to dismantle a terrorist organization that rules the southern part of its country. It's never fair when innocent civilians die but you think Hezbollah cares who they kill? No, they're a terrorist group and by nature they thrive off civilian death because that has the most impact. I'm sorry that the people of Lebanon have to suffer because of the decisions of their government but we all see a profit or penalty from our government's actions-- or lack of action in this case.

I hope the people of Lebanon step up to their government and demand change-- rid their country of the Hezbollah terrorist element that is causing them so much grief.

Showing No Love to Fat Chicks

Man, even fat chicks need some love, but here's some outright dis-ruh-spettin' our fat ladies with today's bumper sticker.

When I was in Eufaula, AL there was a dude name Linc Sawyer (yes, Linc is the name his parents gave him) and he drove a lowrider truck with a sticker that read "Fat Chicks Make Me Scrub." Ouch.

I guess someone in Memphis learned for Linc's unfortunate underbody scrubbing incident. Yesterday during my bike ride I saw a jacked up truck (aka, lifted) with a sticker that read "Lift It... Fat Chicks Can't Jump." Double ouch.

It's Friday... Let's Start Some Sh1t

Usually, I'll get my rants going on some feeble tirade about the uneducated jackass at the Quick-E-Mart short-changing me on my morning pack of smokes and malt liquor.

But this morning, I'll go a little deeper and will be sure to get the ladies fired up. BTW-- my wife and I disagree on this big time so I'm risking waking up (er, not waking up) a la Phil Hartman style. For reference, remember Phil from SNL fame? He came home one day and told his wife "I'm having an affair, I'm leaving you... ah, I'm tired, I'm gonna go to sleep." Phil's wife, taking a little umbrage and a firearm, made sure he did not wake up from his little nap. But I'm not having an affair, I'm not leaving, but a John Bobbitt event might be looming in my future... no need to explain that one, right? Soooooooo anywho...

New Book: Get To Work: A Manifesto For Women of the World, written by retired philosopher professor Linda Hirshman. I'd like to see a little more street cred, but she's a prof of something so she's got some mad brain skillz.

I have yet to read this book, but I promise I will. The basic premise is this: a lot of women work their asses off getting highly specialized degrees, move into high-powered jobs, then have a child and just quit. She's essentially forwarding the belief that this is a waste of talent, energy and money. I agree (oh shoot, I hear the grumblings now).

I believe there is no more noble job than rearing children, but how do you make the switch from partner at the largest law firm in Los Angeles to staying at home, especially if your children are in school? I am not a mother so I don't claim to completely understand. The author also says that being integrated in society in a high profile position brings you "influence, honor, compensation, a way of being political and a [having] a hand in shaping the world around you."

And if you have several children you're out of the workforce for a decade or two. Your skillz have been outdated beyond repair in most cases. And the author also asks where the "real" volunteer opportunities are for non-working moms. Don't even try to pawn off 2 hours a week at Junior League as being a fulfilling and substantial contribution to society.

But I guess if you're at home with your children keeping them from becoming serial killers or some other type of criminal then you're doing more than most of the parents in Memphis.

Hello Old Friends

It's good to hear from old friends-- patti having a beautiful baby girl, angi and sharon from Eufaula (Lake City repruhsentin', what, what), but those latter two put the icing on the cake for me feeling old.

I came to harsh realizion that my last HS class reunion was 7 years ago. Are you kidding me? That means I graduated high school 17 years ago? Oh vey, where did the time go?

I've already noticed that, when filling out online forms, I have to scroll a long ways down to hit my birthyear.

Man, it's just getting harder and harder to remain the sexy man beast that is Gary Z. But damn, I guess someone has to do it.

10 days remain in the Tour de France and 52 days 'til Auburn starts another football season. Please help me find another sport to watch in that down time or else put me on suicide watch-- I'll pull the pin before I watch baseball to fill the 42 day void.

WTF? At Least Make Some Sense...

Remember when you could get normal, character replaced spam like "m@ke ur pen1s larger 4 her" or "h0t slutz wan' u." Although, they resembled the way my friend zackPe types, they would make it through some spam filters and you at least understood what they were trying to sell you.

But lately I've been getting these narratives that make no sense whatsoever. They're obviously crappy advertising and I don't even know where to send my money to keep them coming.

Here's yesterday's email in its entirity:
other on the rusty rails. Redrick unbuttoned a flap and took out a package
lower lip was split. But all in all, okay.
squealed in an unnatural voice, kicked Redrick in the face with his other

Huh? Like good ole Samuel L. Jackson would say: "English mother phucker, DO YOU SPEAK IT ?"

Pic of the Day-- Thanks JMM

Title: Fatal Dose

Today's Game Losing Effort

Presented by France. Here's how to phuck up your chance at winning a World Cup...

My Dog Used to Eat Rocks, Too

Shortest protest in my history. I made it all of about 1 day not watching Tour De France coverage before I caved. I really love the sport and have to keep up with it even if it's just 10 minutes per day on the TiVO. Plus, Big Bill at work keeps talking cycling stuff with me and at 6 foot 9 inches it's hard to ignore Big Bill.

I went to visit some recruiters yesterday just to see what my market worth might be. Nice building they're located in-- good sign. Receptionist with teeth that resembled my dog's when she'd chew on bricks and rocks. Except, this lady had black teeth to boot-- like she's been chewing on chuncks of coal-- bad sign. Recruiter is semi-polished, cute, un-manicured nails. Sorry, you're a professional female who's meeting with folks and shaking hands all day. Did you think the gnawed down fingernails would go unnoticed?

Recruiter calls me more than my first crazed girlfriend and the conversations are nearly the same:

Recruiter: So you wanna do this?
Me: Do what?

R: I want to make you a priority. Will you do the same for me/us?
Me: What the phuck are you talking about?

R: I just feel like you're not with me, something is holding you back.
Me: --shower, murder scene music from Psycho playing in head-- Um, I gotta go. --turn off cell phone, take no more calls--

I don't want to program in 1. Memphis or 2. in the summer. It's too nice outside and I've got too much energy to stare at this stuff. Perhaps I can be a lifeguard at the Y in the summer and come back to programming in the winter when it's too cold to play outside.

How To Get the Last Laugh

Kenneth Lay-- ready to get sentenced for his part in phucking everyone from the janitor at Enron to the partners at Arthur Andersen-- decided to up and die right before he was to be sentenced for fraud and about 100 other things.

I guess he showed us. I'm sure he decided to have a heart attack to get out of paying for his sins in jail. Just kidding.

The one downside is he really never got to apologize or confess to his wrong doings. However, he has always claimed to be innocent. Bullshat. I won't feel badly for searching out his grave and pooing on his head.