SEC Coaches -- South Park Style

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Alabama has emerged from the Dark Ages, only to find itself in Auburn's shadow --John Adams

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I jumped into my car Saturday night and flipped on the radio and the cheap shots on Auburn came early and often.

"Auburn looked horrible today against Ole Miss," said the commentator on ESPN radio. "This team is going backward."

About 20 minutes later, at a gas station, a guy yelled at me with the same message.

"What's wrong with Auburn? They haven't shown me anything."

I shook my head and tried to compute the information. Didn't Auburn win on the road in the SEC earlier in the day? Aren't they ranked No. 6 in the BCS standings?

Nobody bothered to mention that Alabama had trailed what is arguably the worst football team in America and led only 10-3 at halftime (it's a good thing Florida International suspended 18 players or that score might have been reversed). Nobody uttered a word about Mike Shula having to put back in a hobbled starting quarterback (with no reliable backup) in the second half to seal the deal. And it finally dawned on me what was going on here.

Auburn is the new Alabama.

Because of the success by Tommy Tuberville in the last three years and the cumulative record against the Tide, we are now judging the Tigers on a much different scale. They not only have to win but are expected to win impressively.

I noticed this earlier in the year while watching the Tigers in Columbia against South Carolina. When Auburn failed to score an early knockout during that Thursday night ESPN game, fans began looking frustrated. When it happened again Saturday, the same result occurred. Auburn is supposed to roll over these teams by two or three touchdowns and when the Tigers fail to do so, the media and public start looking for a scapegoat. When Alabama struggles against the dregs, it is business as usual.

This is what happens when you are the hunted vs. the hunter. This is what happens when you replace Alabama as the team to beat and the dominant program in the state.
This opinion isn't unique. It's being shared throughout the land.

John Adams, the sports editor of Knoxville News-Sentinel, recently wrote about the two programs:

"Who has the best coach? Auburn's Tommy Tuberville. Who has the hottest assistant coach? Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges. Who has the more proven quarterback? Auburn's Brandon Cox."

Adams noted that the Tide did resurface with last year's 10-2 mark and high ranking but it really didn't change anything.

"Here's reality," wrote Adams. "Alabama has emerged from the Dark Ages, only to find itself in Auburn's shadow."

Quite frankly, I don't know what to make out of the play of Auburn this year. It has been somewhat surprising. However, the Tigers, with one embarrassing exception, have found a way to win. Remember, the Tigers are currently No. 6 and did beat Florida, which is ranked No. 4 in the latest BCS.

Auburn is now the benchmark in these parts for discipline while Alabama (see Juwan Simpson) has become a laughingstock.

Like it used to be for Alabama under Paul Bryant and Gene Stallings, fans are grumbling but the Tigers are amazingly alive again for both the SEC championship and, yes, the BCS national title game.

And Alabama? With the monumental win over Florida International -- coupled with the other stirring victories over Hawaii, Vanderbilt, Louisiana-Monroe, Duke and Ole Miss, who have a combined record of 13-37 -- the Tide is now bowl eligible. I'm sure the travel agencies will start getting busy with packages for hungry Tide fans anxious to follow this team into the postseason.

Has any team ever done less to receive a bowl bid? If you throw out Hawaii, which has a 6-2 record, Alabama's last five wins since the season opener are against teams with a combined 7-35 mark. And don't forget Mississippi State, at 2-7, is on deck.

If you needed more evidence, in the recent NCAA Division I-A power ratings of all 120 football schools, here is how the teams Alabama has beaten rank: Hawaii (32), Vanderbilt (62), Ole Miss (94), Louisiana-Monroe (113), Florida International (119) and Duke (120). In other words, three of Alabama's four non-conference opponents are ranked among the seven worst football programs in the country.

So while Auburn tries to get to Atlanta for the rematch with the Gators and maybe (although a longshot) to Glendale, Ariz., for a shot at Michigan or Ohio State, the Tide can start making plans for Shreveport, Memphis or maybe even Nashville.

Like I said earlier, times have changed.

Auburn is the new Alabama.

Contact Paul Finebaum at:

finebaumnet@yahoo.com

His column appears Tuesdays and Saturdays in the Press-Register.

I Kinda Feel Its Pain

My golf went poorly this weekend, but at least I'm not a murderer.

 

Excellent Win for Ole Miss

I don't care what the final score reads, Ole Miss beat Auburn Saturday. When you roll into Oxford, give up huge plays to Brent Shaffaer, make Brent look like a genuis and escape with only a 6 point victory, you screwed the pooch. I'm sure Brent had a career day against us.

Our secondary is like the fat chick that hot chicks hang out with; the hottie uses the fat chick to make herself look more desireable. Geez, Brent looked GREAT against our secondary (50% completion rate, 161 yards passing).

There is no arguement, Ole Miss is legitimately a bad team. Don't try to say otherwise by telling me that they played Georgia and 'Bammer close. UGA and 'Bammer are showing us that they're kinda bad too.

Now I'm really worried about UGA and 'Bammer based upon Saturday's game. My goodness, I hope we don't get caught looking passed Arkansas State next week.

Friday Fun

A few quotes I overheard lately in the college football world-- but mostly a dediction to Brady Quinn.

"Hi."

When you go to ND and you're as hot as Brady Quinn, a "hi" is really all it takes to get dates, job offers or full-ownership of most North America corporations.

 

"Maybe I'll make one of those 'BCS Sucks' signs for College Gameday."

Auburn Coach Tommy Tuberville contemplates more ways to get additional exposure on ESPN.

 

"Oyoyoyoyoyoyo, ribbble rabbble runk. Oyoyoyoyo."

Ole Miss Coach O and his typical pregame pep talk.

 

"Whew. Y'all see Notre Dame get housed by Michigan when they had the #2 spot? That'll never happen to us. Pass me another beer."

Auburn defensive line shortly before kickoff against Arkansas

 

"Hahahahaahahaha !!!! We beat Baylor !! We beat Baylor !! Pass me another beer."

Kansas head football coach Mark Mangino at halftime of their game versus Baylor. For those not in the know, Baylor went on to erase an 18 point deficit in the second half and win by 1 point. Perhaps Kansas will learn to drink light beer next time.

 

"We beat Notre Dame !! We beat Notre Dame !! Pass me another beer !!"

What's with folks getting tanked before the game ends? Man, I sense a recurring theme here. This time from Michigan State AND UCLA.

 

"Ohmagosh. Is that Magnum? It's so beautiful. I can't look away. I can't feel my body."

Brady flashes Magnum. UCLA loses its ability to play defense. Touchdown Jesus.

 

"Some gunplay, homeless people galore, maybe a knife fight... it's not a party 'til someone gets stabbed, right?"

Liberty Bowl executives sell the virtues of bringing an SEC team to the outskirts of the Mound for a football game

 

"Nah, I tell y'all honestly. I think Auburn folks are more upset about the Tuberville situation than Ole Miss folks are."

One of LP's family members talking to me about football while trying to win the award for "Most Idiotic Football-Related Statement.... Ever."

 

"Dog, we're just playing for draft position now. Huh? There's not a draft in college football? Oh, sh1t !!"

Four Ole Miss players after testing positive for marijuana use-- they were tested the DAY AFTER the Arkansas game where they gave up the opening kickoff for a TD and then were blown out 38-3

 

"Baby, I say <insert team here> is gonna roll tonight-- YEAH !! They're gonna win HUGE !!"

If you're a fan of <insert team here>, these are the last words you want to hear out of Lee Corso's mouth. So menacing are his college football predictions that it's even been tagged "Corso's Curse."

 

"We're gonna explode in the SEC this year."

Actually, this is a real quote from Ole Miss receiver Dexter McCluster after their win over Memphis. If beating Vandy qualifies as "exploding" in the SEC this year, then Dexter is dead on.

 

"What's the over-under on me beating yo' white ass with a pipe in the parking lot?"

Miami coach Larry Coker brings the swagger back to Da U. Too bad he didn't bring good football back with it.

 

Brady Quinn's "Hot or Not" score is the touchstone for all things hot, um, I hear... from my friends... who are, um, girls.

 

Magnum... I can't stop staring. It's beautiful.

 

Mark Mangino. Kinda like Jabba the Hutt but not as smooth with the ladies

Just Can't Deny Who I Am

Come on. My last name is Zyriek. This is how we kick on the East side (Eastern Bloc side that is). This is the hottest thing I've seen in months-- you can almost see all the way to the base of her neck. Oooooooh, I'm getting light headed.  I wonder if I can pick it up at Victoria's Secret?

For The Record

Okay, stop with the gay hater stuff. I'll make my position very clear.

I support gay marriage... as long as both chicks are hot.

They Call Them Daddy's Little Princesses for a Reason

Anna and Daddy at the Memphis Zoo for "Zoo Boo" on Saturday.

Yes, I have an appt. for a haircut this week. Don't expect it to get too much shorter because Delores is cute and likes it long. Damn women.

I Want A Girl With Lips Like Morphine

Let me at least throw one irrelevant song quote out there to impress ZackPe that I don't always listen to 80's hair music.

So things are well in Memphis. Things are prolly gonna work out to where we might be in Memphis another 2-3 years I'm guessing. That's actually kind of a relief 'cause I've got a lot of work to do and not much time.

However, Memphis/Liberty Bowl is kinda insulting the SEC and I need to make sure Memphis gets a reality check. Guys, you're cool, but not that cool. Memphis can date the "cute" chicks but it's not ready to date the smoking hot ones.

Case in point: the Liberty Bowl has announced who it's viewing as possible SEC teams to come in January. The SEC has 8 bowl tie-ins with the 7th SEC pick coming to Memphis. The last, and by far the worst place to spend your New Year's, is the Independence Bowl in Shreveport, LA. The Liberty Bowl has it's sights set on Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, LSU, Kentucky and South Carolina.

I think I hear scissors and thumb tacks rattling around in Fayetteville as Arkansas posts this article on their locker room bulletin board. Arkanas is the only team undefeated in SEC but everyone is predicting Auburn-Florida in the SEC Championship game. And now, the lowly Liberty Bowl says they're considering Arkansas (which would mean a drop from the #1 to the #7 SEC team)? Boy, this gives the Razorbacks a reason to play. Memphis, right now Arkansas is the hot chick dating the school quarterback and speeding off in his Camaro IROC to either Dallas or New Orleans for New Year's. And you know Arkansas got a little redneck in her so she'll pop the t-tops and flash truckers.

Don't expect to see LSU in Memphis anytime soon. Oh, wait. LSU is the hot chick at your school who has borderline personality disorder and screams stuff like "I HATE YOU!!! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME !!" She'll go from pristine sweetheart to cracked out coke whore by her senior year. That's because LSU has a quarterback that's about as steady and stable as my college sophomore year girlfriend when I'd hide her lithium (sorry Jamie, but you knew that was coming). With a quarterback like JaMarcus look for LSU to be somewhere between the Cotton Bowl and, ugh, Shreveport. But LSU is an easy date. Pack a little grape Boone's Farm and she'll be good to go.

Just Relax and Tell Us the First Thing That Comes to Mind

I'm kicking with one of my coworkers talking about programming gizzzlle and whatnot. Another dude comes in and starts asking questions which forces us to ask him more questions. The circle of frustrations continues as he sees the can of worms he's opened on a particular work topic.

He gets so frustrated he just says "well fak, I outta just go back to my cube and jerk off for 20 minutes."

Um. I've gotten frustrated and often said "PHUCK" before leaving someone's cube but I've never threatened violent digital stimulation.

I guess sometimes things can get so frustrating that you have no clue what's gonna come out next.

More Reasons to Hate Wal-Mart

Verified by Snopes.com

Wal-Mart asks for, and receives, permission to join homosexual marriage group

Read "Wal-Mart Partners With Gay and Lesbian Group"

Wal-Mart, the largest retailer in the world, has asked for and received permission to join the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. The NGLCC is a leading promoter of homosexual marriage.

Although Wal-Mart has never excluded homosexuals from being employees, customers, or suppliers, the company wanted to be more closely identified with promoting the homosexual agenda. Wal-Mart is now a "corporate member" of the NGLCC, putting their approval on the NGLCC's efforts to abolish the definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman. A Wal-Mart vice president will serve as an advisor to the NGLCC, helping them promote homosexual marriage.

Wal-Mart agreed to give $25,000 to the NGLCC and to pay for two conferences scheduled by NGLCC. Also, Wal-Mart will give homosexual-owned businesses special treatment when making purchases. Companies not owned by homosexuals will be moved down the list.

NGLCC called Wal-Mart's action "part of the company's ongoing commitment to advancing diversity (homosexuality) among all of its associate, supplier and customer bases."

Wal-Mart is offering the same kind of support for homosexual marriage which Ford Motor Company has been giving to homosexual groups for years.

TAKE ACTION
1. Send your email to Wal-Mart.
2. Wal-Mart often blocks our emails. To make sure your voice is heard, please call Wal-Mart's home office headquarters and ask for Chairman Rob Walton at 479-273-4000. Also, call your local Wal-Mart manager and express your concerns. Please, be polite when you call!
3. Print out and distribute our specially produced Pass Along Sheet.

Did This Surprise Anyone?

I have had the awesome honor of being in attendance at some of the most incredible Auburn games in history. Not just Auburn history but perhaps college football history-- I get a great reminder of it when I see so many past games on ESPN Classic.

Count 2006 Auburn-Florida in the above category.  Since Caroline is now 3 weeks old, LP felt it okay if I headed to the Plains with Zack.  He has never been to Auburn before and this held the potential to be a great game for him to attend.

We hit the tailgate by 8.30am Saturday morning. It was like a ghost town at the tailgate so we headed over to College Gameday where Zack's Mexican jumping bean impression got him on TV.

I made sure Zack got the full Auburn experience-- I gave him a short campus tour, including showing him where LP and I met for our first date.

We then headed to Toomer's Drugs for an authentic cup of lemonade.

It then came time to settle in for some serious crunk-gaiting. Somehow we made a case of working man's brew disappear (along with enough Jello-shots to ensure Bill Cosby a rich royalty check this month) and some beer that was given to us outside Jordan-Hare by some co-eds who weighed the options of "get it confiscated or give it to 2 old dudes." Score for the 2 old dudes.

Gametime and we're tweaking. The eagle flies and Zack is officially jacked. Obviously, I'm biased but the eagle flying is a hard site to beat. Screw your tethered buffalo or longhorn, guys riding horses or tigers in cages. Unless you teach that tiger or buff to run around the stadium before coming to rest at the 50-yard-line then you've got no game to speak of.

Not much I can say about the game that you haven't already seen on TV. If was insane. I did my typical scream until I can't speak and have a throbbing headache routine. But that's just what I do.

After the game I had to take Zack to one more Auburn tradition- rolling Toomer's Corner. Zack got to throw a few rolls and the band came out to play. I understand that Tubs was attending but I never actually got to see it as we made the trip on back to Monkeytown.

All in all, I think ZackPe had an awesome time and it was a game for the ages for us to witness and do our male-bonding thing.

Thanks to all my grlz for the yard pass.

WAR DAMN EAGLE !!

 

Zack living large at Toomer's

Headed to the Plains

Man, I'm super excited about headed to Auburn with Zack today. Got some oil for the Pathy along with a little car wash. You wanna look good when you're jumping curbs on College Street. Though, the tailgates have slowed down in their intensity as more of our group has had children -- no more 30-somethings shotgunning beers or doing keg stands -- we expect to have a blast.

So the big question and my short prediction: Do I think Auburn wins this weekend? Well, I certainly would not drive 6 hours each way and leave my wife at home with 2 small children if I thought defeat was imminent.

WAR DAMN EAGLE !!!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?! GOOD !!

I am so deaf sometimes when God tries to speak to me. Sometimes I think I hear a little chatter but then I miss the opportunity and never really get the message. Kinda like someone yelling at you from a moving car and then it's gone: "YOU JUST WOOOOON THEEEEEE LOTTERYYYYYYY !!!"

"Huh, my spoon is picklery? Whatever."

I decided to test the waters of contract work again and got this awesome offer that would increased my salary by $20,000. SWEETNESS !! The shop was gonna require a lot more work, a lot more energy, a lot more time and would prolly 'cause me to come home in a horrible mood at least 60% of the time. Sorry, a bad day at work usually screws me up so badly that I take it home. But who cares, I'm focused on the dough. A my salary increase would equate to:

My Current ILS Salary + private school tuition for both daughters + a fat ass plasma screen TV in the den.

So, I'm set to pop. I talk to my boss ("dude, we can't touch that offer") and it looks like the roads are cleared. But I was weighing-- a lot of money for a more stressful work environment or a low-stress, awesome place like ILS with lower than market average pay.

My friend ZackPe asked "okay so have you prayed about it? how does LP feelz?" Um, well, no. Actually, I did not pray about it... but man, surely God wants me to be a straight up ball, right?

If you can't hear God speaking quietly then he'll take a liberty to just scream at you. And that's what happened.

The day I was to turn in my notice at ILS I got a panicked call from LP. Caroline's pediatrician was more concerned about a murmur he heard during routine exams. He wanted us to see a pediatric cardiologist ASAP. Man, we were freaked. I took off work and we spent the day downtown getting an echo done on Caroline.

Ends up Caroline has a VSD (ventricular septal defect) aka "hole in her heart." Though it's supposed to only be a small hole and minor -- um, as a parent I don't find any hole in my child's heart to be "minor" but I'll trust the experts -- it shook me up big time. There is some chance that the hole will close on its own by her first birthday but if it does not then it's completely repairable. Thanks for the warning shot, G-O-D.

I certainly got my priorities back straight in that day-- my family, which I love dearly, always comes first. The other stuff, like money and plasma screens, is just filler.

I Need Votes

ZackPe and I are headed to the Plains this weekend for the Auburn-Florida game and, to my surprise, College Gameday will be there.

So it's imperative that Zack and I make at least one sign.

I need a theme, and a sign so help me out here. I'm not gonna do the banal "<Auburn Player> For Heisman" or "Auburn #1", etc. Some possible messages I've tossed around are:

Orange Mound is Memphis (based upon the "Midtown is Memphis" campaign)

Chris Leak's Mom: Rated "E" for Everyone

The BCS Screwed Baylor (this is for LP's older Bro. He's a hardcore Baylor fan and their football team kinda "underperforms." The joke is in the irony)

'Bama Cheerleaders: The Other White Meat

So let's have some suggestions. LP has already ruled out the "Auburn Full-Shocker" so don't even go there.

TV Tonight Shows The End is Near

I Pity the Fool
10:00 PM, TV Land

Mr. T. is back in the public eye, and he wants to share some of his philosophies with the world. He'll do so with "I Pity the Fool," TV Land's newest unscripted series in which the larger-than-life character will motivate slackers and offer homespun advice to anyone willing to listen.

No SEC Losses This Weekend...

...only a bunch of bloody ass whippings.

Auburn loses by 17

Georgia by 18

LSU by 13

These games were more like mercy killings than losses.

And this is why we love the SEC. Two undefeateds go down with the potential of the final undefeated team to lose this weekend (Florida at Auburn). What other conference gets to destroy its own national championship hopes as much as the SEC? If any of the 7 power teams from the SEC (Auburn, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, LSU,  Tennessee-- my regrets to Vandy, Ole Miss, STATE, South Carolina and Kentucky) were to play in a pansy conference like the PAC-10, they'd sure win about 70% of the conference championships. Of course, maybe Arkansas would be a different team if it had to trade some of its Ozark-bred linemen named Bubba Bonebreaker for Pacific-Rimmers like Ohba Paolamini.

Anywho, I'm disappointed but not surprised. In fact, I've mentioned this before, you never are surprised as an Auburn fan to get your hopes up then have them dashed against some unranked and unrespected team. This is why collegefootballnews.com ranked us the #7 overrated team of all time-- more times than not when we're ranked highly we'll tank. When ranked low we'll chomp on the bit of "no one respects us" and we'll kill more folks than a Patriot missle.

This weekend, ZackPe and I are going to Auburn for an all boyz weekend to see Auburn-Florida. The Florida game, one of my personal favorites. I only hope Zack gets to take part in rolling Toomer's.

Point - Counterpoint

Thanks sharonC

Thursday Update

Click Clack

Not just an awesome catchphrase by Under Armour... it's now the sound of my knee whenever I bend it. I was on the elliptical machine this morning and my knee was like a metronome-- click, click, click... I think the tipping point came with an 8 mile trail run last weekend. My knee has been horrible for several a few months now, but I think that run was the last nail in the coffin. Googling information indicates that if you suspect a torn meniscus (which is what I suspect) then you need to get off it immediately and get it fixed or you risk more damage than the Titanic hitting an iceberg.

This Week's Bets
Louisville -33 over Middle TN State
Kent St. -24 over Temple
Wisconsin -20 over Northwestern
LSU -2 over Florida

The Louisville and LSU games are based on gut feelings. The other 2 are based on the favorite ALWAYS covering the spread and the underdog NEVER beating the spread-- let's see if that system works. I have no other reason for betting on Wisconsin and Kent State.

Thug Life

Does it surprise anyone that a thug like Albert Haynesworth went to Tennessee? After stepping on Cowboys Andre Gurode's head and opening a 30-stitch gash Haynesworth was suspended by the NFL for 5 games. Good call, except I'd recommend a 5 year suspension-- 1 year for the incident and an additional 4 years 'CAUSE YOU NEVER PHUCK WITH THE COWBOYS BEATCH !!!

The 5 game suspension will cost Haynesworth about 1/3 of his $600,000 base salary (2005 stat). I hope the poor boy can survive on the measley $400,000 that he has left over.

Saw a video ESPN this morning of Albert kicking one of this teammates in the face during practice. If Albert did not have the God-given talent to play football you know what his name would be-- Prisoner 125987.

Running Wild in West Virginia

Did you hear the one about the kid who rushed for 658 yards and 10 touchdowns in a high school football game in WVa ? Man, I'm tired thinking about that. I'm not sure if this kid is meant to play college/pro football or if he needs to try out for the 10,000 track event at the Olympics with that kind of endurance. 

Makes My $650 Laptop Look Kinda Bad

On the recent trip to Columbia, SC to play the SC Gamecocks an Auburn coach had his laptop stolen by a vagabond. The laptop contained the football gameplan for the South Carolina game along with some practice videos and was claimed at a value of $15,000. Holy shat. That homeless dude could totally get like a pint of Mad Dog for a laptop that nice.

And On Computers... I'm Executing my Dell Desktop

Five and a half years old and it's been a great box but damn if the hard drive is not fragmented worse than the Republican party right now and it barely connects to the internet any longer. The writing is on the all as my new case and power supply arrived this week and I'll start building my own machine soon. Though I do feel badly for the Chinese school children who will miss out on making their quota 'cause I'm not ordering another Dell.

Name One Way to Fast Track Your Way to Hell

How about shooting up an Amish school house... burn baby burn. I hope you spend eternity in Hell with Albert Haynesworth stepping on your crotch.

Enough To Make Me Come Out of Blogging Retirement

Thanks to Matt Pittman