Dear Zack, We Found a Way to Fight The Chi's

Thanks to Bryan Bunch for showing me the real way to take down China.

RELEASE THE CROCS !!!!

Ahh, It's Friday

Looking forward to another weekend. Not so much relaxing as Anna has 2 b/day parties tomorrow and Caroline has her 6-month baby pictures.

Throw in my little drinking problem and we have a jam packed weekend.

The Little Things
I have verified through a couple of devices that the speedometer in my car is off a tad-- it reads about 3 mph faster than your real speed. No a big deal I'm thinking until I do some math. If my average driving speed over the life of my car is around 40 mph (real speed), my car actually reads 43mph. How much of a difference does that make? My car has 83,000 miles on it which means that my odometer could be off by as much as nearly 6,000 miles !! Yikes !! Perhaps I'll pay better attention next time.

"My Ugly Came Out"
So says Mary Winkler after shotgun blasting her sleeping husband. Now I understand that he was a chode and certainly deserved to be booted out of the house, but the last time I checked murder was still a pretty bad thing. So Mary gets 3-6 years in prison at most. Perhaps no prison time at all since she's immediately eligible for release and probation. Wow. I'm fearful that LP is doing the math and figuring out a way to set this up... "Hmmm, I could be out before Anna hits 2nd grade...."

Is It Too Late To Comment On Imus
What goes for ivory should go for ebony. Here's all I have to say to black folks-- if you expect people to stop disrespecting you and making such absurd statements, then stop doing it to yourselves. By littering your talk with the "N" word I think you're being more denigrating than racist white people. How so? So AA's get offended when a white person uses a "racist" word. They will point to slavery times and how the white devil hurled insults at them, etc. They claim it's the most horrible thing that someone can do to them. Fair enough, I'm with you. But then you take words that you despise, that the white devil placed upon you... AND YOU USE TOWARDS IT OTHER !! That's a greater insult of all. You can't even respect your own people ?!?!?!
Have some intra-racial respect before you demand it from others.

STOP HERE IF YOU NEED TO AVOID YOUR DOSE OF DAILY HATE
VT and JC?
So Cho Duck Dong massacres folks at VT and claims he's kicking it like Jesus Christ? I haven't found any verses yet in the Bible yet that indicate Jesus was a hate mongering murderer.
Cho, I honestly hope that Satan is ass r@ping you on a daily basis with the business end of herpes-infected cactus.

Whew. I'm worn out. I'm sure you are too.

Is Panic the Death o Us?

I'm am absolutely devastated about the goings-on in Blacksburg, VA.

It's absolutely incomprehensible how evil someone could be.

But I am curious from a certain angle on this. This is the psychologist in me speaking on the topic of group dynamics.

Please help me understand how a lone gunman with handguns manages to slaughter 32 people? In addition, a physician who was taking in bodies at his hospital said no victim had fewer than 3 bullet wounds.

If this is correct then the 30 people he killed in one building required a MINIMUM of 90 rounds. He's also not hitting on every shot, right? So let's bump it up to perhaps 150 rounds discharged.

I'm going somewhere with this I promise.

He's got 2 handguns and let's assume he's rolling legal on the clips-- he's got maybe a maximum of 30 rounds to discharge between the pistols before reloading.

How was this guy allowed to fire that many shots and reload without someone rushing him and kicking his ass? Didn't one person say "hey, he's reloading let's phuck him up"? Is it possible that that many people were paralyzed with fear that they could not pick themselves up as a group and do something? Nobody? No steroid enraged meatheads, no football players, nobody?

He wandered the halls and killed 30 people and nobody did anything?

That just kinda bothers me.

It also makes me question, like one of my coworkers, the "Let's Roll" group of Flight 93. Did they actually do anything or did were they paralyzed by panic?

A Good Day, Dawn to Dusk

3, 6
Three Six
Thirty-Six?

I can't even look at the numbers and believe they're correct. Thirty-six years old? I can't digest it right now.

But it was a good birthday.

Caroline started the day off by waking up at 3am. However, it was nice to find the solution was putting her on my chest and letting her sleep. If you've never let an infant sleep on you, you're missing out. It has to be one my favorite things in life and I have to appreciate it during the few months in which they are willing to do it.

I got up at 4.40am and did a good workout and then went to work where I managed to not do much of anything productive. I bought a new phone recently and was actually able to get Sprint to do a price adjustment for me on it... getting $50 from Sprint was about the nicest thing they ever done for me in 8 years of service (phuckers). I'll just take that as them being nice on my b/day.

I kicked out of work early to watch "Blades of Glory" with one of my coworkers. This was a funny movie but I don't think Will Ferrell will ever top "Old School." I think that is his grand opus.

LP and I loaded up the girls after that and went to Rossville, TN to get some catfish at the Wolf River Cafe. Rossville is smaller than Mayberry-- it has a grocery store, a bank and the Wolf River Cafe. At Wolf River you eat fried catfish, drink out of Mason jars and can only pay with cash. You know they're old school when they don't even one of them plastic swiping money device thingies like them city folk have.

We put the girls to bed and watched one of our NetFlix movies-- "13 Going 30." Think Tom Hanks' "Big" just with a hot, quirky chick playing Tom's part.

Off to bed and the end of a very satisfying day.

More bloggolicious stuff to come...

Dealing with Annoying Passengers

Ever have someone sitting next to you on a plane who won't stop annoying you? Got your laptop with you? Good, here's how to handle them....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link:

How to Own an Annoying Passenger

I Guess He's in Touch with Today's Youth..

You'll need sound for this one. Perhaps this will be an iTunes top download within a week.

Pull Your Pants Up Mission.com

Droppin' Knowledge - Word of the Day

Our Word of the Day

Badonkadonk [butt]

Way To Go Chi Guys

Looks like nearly every place in Memphis was closed yesterday for Easter.... except Wal-Mart.

Come on guys. What is it gonna take for you guys to close for one fuggin' day and let your employees spend time with their families. Don't give me all the stuff about the benefits of Wal-Mart... we can enjoy these benefits on many other days during the year besides Easter, Christmas, etc.

I guess during the Second Coming Wal-Mart will be open and fully staffed.

Perhaps Jesus will need some toe nail clippers or maybe he just can't live without a French Mouli to make his salad when he comes back to Earth.

Or perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps God's Chosen People are shoeless children running around in diapers with their mullet-headed, toothless, teenage, unwed, crackhead mommies.

Another happy customer leaves the Wal-Mart in Midtown Memphis....

Don't Judge Me...

Don't judge me because I laughed at my fellow human beings. But if I asked the question "WWJD?" I think he would have laughed too.

Tuesday night I met a few folks from my Spanish class at El Porton to eat some "order by numbers" Mexican food and rap in some Espanol. BTW, I got down "quero cervesa grande" down pat, thankuverymuch.

After dinner I went to the mall to run an errand for LP. After running my errand I decided to cruise the mall to see if there were any good Wii games at FYE, any hats I wanted at Lidz or perhaps some parachute pants at Gadzooks. Nothing cracking.

However, on my way out I had to pass t/ the mall's food court where I saw perhaps the largest 2 women in Memphis kicking it at a 2-topper. These chicks were Orca fat and they were pretty young looking which always saddens me. As I got closer I noticed they were intensely reading some books. One was flipping the pages when I saw ... OHMAGOSH... FLESH. This whale of a woman was reading 269 Amazing Sex Play. Oh dear God, the horror. But it only gets worse. When I walked by their table I noticed The Good Sex Bible on the table.

Holee shat. I could not help but laugh out loud. I had to tuck my tail and run for fear of these women riding me down like a rented mule.

And I feel badly for the poor dudes who are gonna get a big surprise of "hey honey, look what position I discovered in this book." Oh, poor guys. Of course, perhaps their dudes are into that and they'll think they've won the flesh lottery.

But for me. I hope to bring everyone else down with that disturbing image that will surely haunt me the rest of the day.

Look Boyfriend, I just learned the reverse cowgirl... and you're getting it tonight !!


Hopefully, this will clear your mind... Do those work as floatation devices?

Act 2, Scene 1-- Title: Repeat Beatdown

It's past my bedtime but I had to jump into blog-o-sphere and voice my excitement about The Ohio State getting The Royal Shat beaten out of them in the NCAA Men's Basketball Tourney.

The other great news is that the Perry clan has me rolling in da money. After conferring with James P. and Matt P. (though a Pittman, he's still technically a Perry by proxy) I rolled big in the Super Bowl. Tonight, LP and I spoke and agreed that a parlay taking Florida -4.5 and the OVER was the way to go.

Now I've added another $52 to the Sequoia/TV/Whatever fund. Yay !! I'm rich.

Of course, now I have to figure out what sins I committed by gambling. Damnit. Sinner screws up another day.

It's So Not Easy In Memphis for Pimps or Car Shoppers

So the car hunt continues. I spent 7 hours (well, actually 6 hours but we'll to that in a second) driving all over Memphis test driving everything.

I was disappointed in a few cars that I really had high hopes for-- Yukon Denali: drives like a marshmellow with a big engine. The cool side is that with all it's computers and whatnot you can see instant fuel mileage. So a 6.0 liter V8 at full throttle will net you 2 mpg. That was a learning experience at least.

Our best driving car of the day had to be the QX56. I'm told it's like the Armada so I'll go check those out. Yeah, with a tag of $57,000 I won't be seriously considering the Infiniti but it drove great. However, it's only slightly smaller than my house.

On to the fun. At the Nissan dealership it started raining... HARD. I was back in the service area and they opened a garage door half way to let me out. I ran under the door, head ducked, and was making a mad dash to my car t/ the rain when CRACK, I ripped my head on a metal sign. No biggie, just a bruise. Except I got to my car to find blood flowing down my face. Oops. I love digi cameras 'cause you get to capture moments like this. This is why I only searched for 6 hours-- I had to spend another hour cleaning up.

Things only got worse after the bleeding head incident. I showered and changed clothes and said good bye to the wife. I'm not exactly clear what happened for the next 45-ish minutes. I just know I got a throbbing headache, things got kinda hazy and I was uncontrollably tired. The next thing I know I'm waking up from a nap (sitting in my car with it running) in the back of the Toyota dealership. How I got there, not so sure. What a phucked up day.

I prolly should have called it quits there but I decided to just bury myself. I really tore the Sequoia apart and realized how much I like this car. The bad side: when the sales manager started being a wanker to me I returned it with more wanker-ism. Clearly, I still have not learned my Christ-like lesson of not repaying wankerism with wankerism. I ended up making an offer so low on this car that they basically assume I'm a moron and won't have much to do with them. They asked me to think about the offer I just made and I just kept digging when I said "oh, if I leave here I'm not coming back." So, um, I guess I won't be going back. But, damnit, when they ask the question of "how much do you want to pay for this car" they should not be surprised when someone with a bleeding head replies with something $10,000 lower than MSRP.

Of course, this pales in comparison to my friend Zack using the "F" word during car negotiations.

Do not work with this man, he's obviously insane...

Snopes Busting All Up on Al

From Snopes.com as a TRUTH. Interesting.

LOOK OVER THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING TWO HOUSES AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHICH BELONGS TO AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

HOUSE # 1:
A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and
natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone (which last time we checked was a fossil fuel), this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern "snow belt," either. It's in the South.

HOUSE # 2:
Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.)

heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater
from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.

HOUSE # 1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville, Tennessee. It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist (and filmmaker) Al Gore.

HOUSE # 2 (model eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas. Also known as "the Texas White House," it is the private residence of the President of the United States, George W. Bush.

So whose house is gentler on the environment? Yet another story you WON'T hear on CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC or read about in the New York Times or the Washington Post. Indeed, for Mr. Gore, it's truly "an inconvenient truth."