Funny Photo Post with Good Intentions

There is a church right next to mine that I pass on the way to work everyday. They have this cool sign out front where they place little pick-me-ups and words of advice. I always thought it was a tad funny and felt that one day they were gonna put a messages that read stuff like "Crack is not the answer, Propecia" or "We're gonna pray they gay away, Zack."

That's never happened but by some weird coincidence they put 2 messages back-to-back that could be humorously construed as a single message:

Hi Matt, Jesus Loves You !


YOUR ANGER IS NOT THE ANSWER


Yeah Matt. Stop beating the dog. Geez, you and your anger problems.

The Day I Divorced My Wife and Married My Car

After a 3.5 month review, I gotta say I love the Sequoia. I could be picky and note a few things that could be improved (fold flat 3rd row seats would be nice along with an larger V8 that generated more low end torque and smoother power in the mid to high-rpm range) but that's like bitching about your supermodel girlfriend's choice in nail polish color-- it's trivial when you look at the whole package.

So the final leap into true love came yesterday when I picked up my new 50" plasma TV and just tossed it into the back of my car. Yeah, forget delivery guys and their 4-hour window of promised delivery time. Forget borrowing your friend's pickup. Just throw it in the back the Sequoia.

Only problem? My car might have had too much room. Notice how much space I have leftover with the TV in the back. Guess that's a nice problem to have.

Take THAT hippie, tree hugger, hybrid drivers !!




Of course, my car still is not even close to my neighbor's F650 pickup truck...

Do I Even Beat This Horse Today?

More Chi recalls. Dear God, if you love your children, please don't buy this cheap sh1t. And please stay away from Wal-Mart... they actually pulled some Chi-produced dog treats recently due to contamination concerns.

SpongeBob SquarePants Character Address Books and Journals (lead paint)
Thomas and Friends, Curious George and Other Spinning Tops and Tin Pails (lead paint)
Children’s Charm Bracelets Sold by Buy-Rite (lead paint)
TOBY & ME Jewelry Sets (lead paint)

Nokia Creates New "Memphis Phone"

Maybe That Cable Had a Smart Mouth

"Internet service providers in the US experienced a service slowdown Monday after fiber-optic cables near Cleveland were apparently sabotaged by gunfire. TeliaSonera AB, which lost the northern leg of its US network to the cut, said that the outage began around 7 p.m. Pacific Time on Sunday night. When technicians pulled up the affected cable, it appeared to have been shot up over a length of a kilometer. 'Somebody had been shooting with a gun or a shotgun into the cable,' said a TeliaSonera spokesman. The company declined to name the service provider whose lines had been cut, but a source familiar with the situation said the lines are owned by Level 3 Communications Inc. Level 3 could not be reached for comment."

Is This Finally The End?

Has this been the craziest week in the news?

Where do I start?

A South Carolina inmate is suing Michael Vick for '$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar[s]' because he says Vick stole this man's pit bulls and sold them on ebay so that he could purchase missiles from Iran.

Yo! Academy, a charter school in Memphis, lost its charter. Yes, there is (was) a school in Memphis called "Yo! Academy." What can I say about that?

More Memphis news. Woman has stillborn baby, buries in the backyard and is busted because a dog dug up the baby and dragged it into her driveway where neighbors promptly freaked out. Oh, but that was last year. This year the same thing happened again. However, this time only one dead baby has been found and a medical exam reveals she was pregnant with twins.

But let's hear her explain it. Her spuhling makes me buhleev she graduated from Yo! Academy:

"I know it seems that I am a heartless and cruel person because of what I did to my baby. I am not a bad person. But on that day I made a bad choice. It's hard for me to except what happen. I don't remember everything. I am sorry words can't express how I feel. I can't change what happen in the pass for what I did. I can make sure I don't make the same mistake in the future."

What does she perceive as her mistake? Getting pregnant or burying babies in her backyard?

It's so phucking hot in Memphis right now that we're even beyond the ole "hey pal, hot enough for ya?" comments. I figure a statement like that'll get your ass whooped.

Dumbest athlete ever. Cyclist Christophe Moreni is pissed about his 2 year ban from cycling after testing positive for testosterone boosting:

It is like giving the same sentence to someone who stole an apple and to someone who robbed a bank," the Italian declared in light of the fact that riders caught for blood doping got the same suspension.

Sure his offense was minor...er, he used illegal substances, right? Note previous statement as sarcastic.

Keep going Christophe:

I have bought a plant-based paste over the internet to stimulate the natural production of testosterone. I wasn't aware that I could have a problem with the doping control. For me, it was like taking amino acids or protein. I know many riders who take it.

Um, you weren't aware that illicitly boosting testosterone levels would cause problems at doping control?

The Italian, who acknowledged that he made a costly mistake, added that he had other products with him that the police seized. Tribulus terrestris (a plant to enhance sports performances as well as the love life), Andro Max (a testosterone booster) and a corticoid-based paste, which Moreni had "not opened and for which I had a prescription."

I mean, what else can I say? Christophe, come on dude. Come on.

And finally, to make everyone depressed. The kickass "Thriller" prisoner video might be one huge human rights abuse case? Thanks for killing my joy Kenny.
I guess it's not really a "case" since these prisoners have no rights anyway. I figure they dance so they'll be allowed to live.

God Bless Little Girls

I love my shawties.

Anna started 4-year-old Kindergarten at Harding and Caroline moved up to the "bigger" infant room at her daycare...

I'll Be Nice to Ole Miss Today

Everyone knows my long history of disdain for Ole Miss, so I won't even rehash that.

I'll give the town its props. Oxford's a beautiful town and the Square has perhaps the highest concentration of hot young college chicks of any other place in the U.S. Yes, in the entire United States. I said it, there.

Mid-2008 Mississippi State is set to come of NCAA probation which would mean the SEC would be probation free for the first time in over 20 years.

Big Bill and I have been chatting who will be the first team to get the SEC back into trouble after we get off probation. The smart bet is always Tennessee. They might as well put razor wire at the top of Neyland Stadium and turn it into a medium security prison.

BB also points out that within a few weeks of arriving at Bammer, Nick Saban was seeing how close he could get to crossing over the line of what's acceptable and what's not.

However, in my mind, Ole Miss is pushing itself to the top of the list. By working as many angles as possible to get two super-stud players (Chris Strong and Jerrel Powe) academically eligible I fear they are getting close to a problem area. Chris is not the sharpest pencil in the bucket and you've prolly already read my rants on Jerrel, the boy is learning disabled and is functionally illiterate. To me, that's making a phucking mockery of any university that this tool can get to an institution of higher learning with ZERO credentials. Well, duh. He play da football really guud.

To the NCAA's credit, these guys still have one more hurdle to clear before the NCAA approves them to actually enroll and play at Ole Miss.

So here's my advice. Coach O, I understand you feel you HAVE to win. And in the SEC that's true. But man, you can't dispose of all logic to make it happen. These guys are gonna be trouble. Best case scenario, both these kids are gonna flunk out of Ole Miss. Worst case scenario, you'll be ridden out of Oxford in a grade fixing scandal. Ask Tennessee about that one.

I'm sorry, but I just don't see any good coming out of this. Getting these guys into school is asking for trouble.

The only things that might keep Ole Miss from getting the SEC back in trouble are:
1. These kids are denied entry by the NCAA
2. Nick Saban and Phil Fulmer have had more time to figure out ways to get into trouble-- ie, they got a head start

Sidebar Explanations

I put stuff on my sidebar and never adequately explained it.

My list of busted cars is my informal survey of cars I see broken down on the side of the road. Hardly scientific but if you're wanting to get stranded on the side of the road I recommend a domestic vehicle. Note: I do not count flat tires or accidents (collisions with other cars or objects) which cause a vehicle to be unmovable.

DVD Dan: Not such a good sidebar now that my former boss no longer works at ILS. However, Dan KNEW EVERYTHING about EVERY TOPIC. So I put some of his famous quotes on my blog to enjoy. I think I just remembered a new one, be right back....

Go Home Wal-Mart !!

Go to see that even the Indians hate Wal-Mart.

At Least It Makes Cycling Look Better

So Barry Bonds just broke some record. I'm not sure I even care. Was it 756 career home runs or is 756:1 his T:E ratio?

Barry Bonds and his suspected doping habits and the manner in which MLB is carrying itself make cycling's top organizers look at least a little bit less moronic.

A good sign I saw regarding career home run leaders:
Babe did it on beer, cigars and hot dogs,
Aaron did it on class,
What did you do it on, Barry?

Dear God, Please Just End It Now...

The end is near. If you weren't from Memphis you'd think this was a joke. If you're from Memphis, you know the sad joke is on the people who have to live with this kind of insanity.

Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton has launched his re-election campaign with a new slogan.

Are you ready? No, I mean are you really ready for this one?

Here goes: Shake The Haters Off

Congrats Memphis; Hell just passed you as a more desirable place to live.

Please take me to Austin, TX