3 Options... Think I'll Save Your Marriage, Ladies

I'm worn out but jacked up from a late night hard run. My brain is dead but my body is all jacked up on Red Bull and "When Animals Attack" re-runs.

So I have 3 options:
1. Work on this presentation I have tomorrow at work; one upon which my career at ILS might hinge
2. Mindlessly play Guitar Hero
3. Speak to the ladies and save some marriages

How 'bout I do my court-ordered community service and opt for #3.

Ladies, married ladies, listen up. Now, I know you're all hard working, focused on dis and dat and maybe even have some shawties thrown in the mix. But when's the last time you worked hard on your man? Hmmm, can't remember can you? That's because ladies just don't think of their man's sessual needs on their 500 bullet point To-Do list.

Recognition is the first step. Asking for help is the next. And, ladies, the Love Doctor is in the house.

I'm not gonna tell you WHAT you need to do to your man, but I'm gonna help you recognize the signs that your man is about to come apart like a cheap suit.

Stage 1: Bliss
Depending how well you threw it to your man, this stage could last anywhere from a few hours up to a week. Left with starry eyes and, in the case of getting some really good lovin', permagrin. There is nothing that can phase your man. Much like Katrina, he's Walking on Sunshine.

Stage 2: Happiness
Your man is in a good spot. He's pretty content with life. He'll massage your feet after a hard day's work, do what you ask the first time it's requested and answer most annoying questions with "oh, yes dear." He's even known to walk up behind you and sneak in a kiss on the neck with a sweet "I love you, you're the best."
This might be the best stage if you're a woman. Your man is not inebriated with love like the Bliss stage but he's still floating high and very agreeable.

Stage 3: Anticipation
The love hangover of Bliss and Happiness has tapered off and now your man is coming down. He's starting to wonder when it's gonna be his time to clock in again. He's mostly agreeable but his focus is gone a tad. Expect him to zone out during conversations as he's mentally undressing you.

Stage 4: Mild Confusion
Your man's mental facilities are compromised a bit. He starts losing things way too frequently... wallet and car keys go missing on a near daily basis. Unaware of his inability to be discreet, he's often caught looking for way too long at pretty girls on the street, perhaps even mumbling to himself as they walk by. Most tasks requiring any focus become difficult. The quality of his work also suffers. If your husband were to appear on "Are You Smarter Than a Catatonic Amoeba", Vegas might give even odds.

Stage 5: Bitterness
Okay ladies, at this point you've just been holding out way too long. This is your last chance to rectify things before they go spiraling out of control. Your man has traded confusion for anger. Now he thinks you're withholding sex just to be hateful. He may or may not be correct. Although you're oblivious to what's going on, your man remembers the exact date, time and lunar cycle in which he scored. Your man's failure to cooperate with even the most simple tasks is quite simply written off by you as "Gary's just being an ass." During this phase don't expect the toilet seat to be put back down, the dog to be fed, trash to be taken out or the mother-in-law's ass to be kissed.

Stage 6: Scorched Earth
This is it. The final stage. It's all out... ON!! I spend so much of my life in this stage that I have to pay rent. Your man has gone from needing loving so badly to completely shunning it, and he's taking everyone down with him. Forget the toilet seat up/down argument; he'll leave it down so he can use it as target practice. The look in his eye's rivals Michael Jackson's in the Thriller video. Don't count on your man to do ANYTHING productive. Also, don't expect to hear anything sweet come out of his mouth as he starts dropping the F-bomb around ministers, your children's teachers and your family. He's on a scorched earth campaign and is going to try and make your life miserable. You think he forgot your birthday, Valentine's Day or your anniversary? Hell no he didn't forget. He's sending you a message. And his anger might even spill out to your friends and family via biting sarcastic quips-- "oh yes sir, I love being married to your daughter. I feel like I got a 2-for-1 deal; a wife and a live-in nun." Ladies, you're no longer in a do-it-one-time-fix mode. You can't bail out the Titanic with one bucket; you just created a lot of work for yourself and now you're in for the long haul. You're only hope is to pull out that Victoria's Secret charge card and put on some hot lingerie and a willingness to try new things.

So ladies, I hope I helped out here. Keep a watch on your man. And remember, the best medicine is preventative medicine.

Sorry Ladies, You Brought This One on Yourselves