Things I Learned During an Oil Change

I went to my local Toyota dealership to get an oil change on Tuesday.

They have a nice little waiting area with a television, upon which they'll have it tuned to things like local news... and Jerry Springer.

I've never actually seen an ENTIRE episode of Jerry Springer so this proved to be a great opportunity to expand my horizons.

I'm sure there's a whole psychology that could be blogged about regarding Springer guests, but here's a snippet of what I learned from this one episode.

Do not wear shoes
Guaranteed you'll be fighting with someone on Springer so the shoes appear to be the first thing to get dumped. Also, it's usually women fighting so apparently the high heels get in the way

And speaking of fighting...
Fighting skill is not a prerequisite
Flailing around madly while you try to pull someone's weave out is perfectly acceptable.

You must have a Southern drawl
I guess a Northeastern accent does not come across as being nearly ignorant enough. You gotta have the twang.

They are never my spouse, fiance or girlfriend/boyfriend...
They are always "my man" or "my bitch".

Repeat after me...
"Oh, heyull no !!!" You'll use this one quite a bit, especially when "your man" comes trotting out on stage with "his bitch". You can even combine keywords like "oh, heyull no !! Not with my man !!"

Fatness
At least one person on stage at any given time must be grossly obese. Bonus points are in order if this person rips their shirt off and screams violently at others "Oh, heyull no! Who you calling fat? I give my man [there's that phrase again] all he can handle!"

Anger
A healthy dose is great for the show. How many happy people are there on this show? I didn't get to see a single one-- except for the dude with the food fetish who was pouring a 1 gallon drum of cheese dip on his ho. He looked happy. Unfortunately, his ho was not the same person as his wife. Awwwwwwkward.

Secrets
Take the deepest, darkest secret you can imagine that you have to tell your bitch or your man. Some secret that would shake the foundation of anyone's life-- then fly to Chicago to tell your significant other on national television. People appreciate that. Really, they do. So much that they kick their shoes off and start pulling each other's weaves.

Looseness
Despite the fact that you've slept with 45 men (well, 45 is all you can remember) and have 9 children, all with last names, the girl attempting to take your man is the "no good slut". Remember, you're neither loose nor obese.

Employment
Hahahaha! Really? Do you honestly think you can be gainfully employed and still commit the shenanigans that'll get you landed on Springer? Oh, heyull no. This kinda trashiness is all about a 24/7/365 commitment.

Teeth
Optional

Mate Selection
You have to exhibit a completely random taste in mates. Though your current bitch may be slim (ya know, from all the meth) and blonde (not real), it's a good bet that the girl you're trotting out on stage resembles a brown-haired yak more than a real woman.