Checking In to Check Out

Aight, guys. I'll update you before I disappear. SuperFriend Uno made me aware that I have made no updates lately. Last week I worked out late and was so wired at night that I blogged to relax and kill time. This week I've been in the gym early (still no sign of Armando there) and dying of fatigue by 9pm. Therefore, no blogging.

So, what's up? I'm checking out... with my wife... and no kids... and no clothing... and a willingness to try new things. Cancun, here we come !!! LP and I are taking an adults-only trip to Cancun to get some rest and relaxation that we haven't enjoyed since our honeymoon.

Oh yeah, Friday, March 28th is our anniversary. 10 years. Can you believe it. I sometimes take for granted what a great marriage we have. But then I realize how lucky we are to have such a wonderful family (even if we do live in Memphis).

I'll have more to talk about next week when I get back.

Y'all be good and...

...keep it rolling

Yay!! Friday!! Memphis Edition

How appropriate that on the day Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton decides to resign that I would get a series of pics soooooo indicative of Memphis.

LP says I live to carry my camera around and take these random pics. She's right. And today I celebrate Memphis with a pictorial post. Keep in mind that all these pics were taken in an 18 hour time span-- scary. In some cities it would take weeks or months to capture this kinds of good stuff.

Beatch, you blew through that red light and nearly whacked me. However, if it's gotta be Kia versus Sequoia then they're gonna need dental records to identify your disintegrated body.


My coworker's favorite car...


Happy to know a car with a $50 street value has a security system on it


Of course, with guys like this running around and posing by your car you need a security system


A man that GET the job done? Lawn service, roofing and, coming soon, tutoring in reeding and riting.


I walk into the den this morning and instead of Anna watching educational shows on Noggin, she's got the local news on; where they're doing a special on unwed parents. "My Generation"? Um, not gary z's generation, thankyaverymuch.


And this runs in our daily paper. Yes, I live in a city where people need to be reminded daily of the sexual irresponsibility of the population. Nice to know that 1 out of 10 will end up in jail. That helps me sleep better at night.

3 Options... Think I'll Save Your Marriage, Ladies

I'm worn out but jacked up from a late night hard run. My brain is dead but my body is all jacked up on Red Bull and "When Animals Attack" re-runs.

So I have 3 options:
1. Work on this presentation I have tomorrow at work; one upon which my career at ILS might hinge
2. Mindlessly play Guitar Hero
3. Speak to the ladies and save some marriages

How 'bout I do my court-ordered community service and opt for #3.

Ladies, married ladies, listen up. Now, I know you're all hard working, focused on dis and dat and maybe even have some shawties thrown in the mix. But when's the last time you worked hard on your man? Hmmm, can't remember can you? That's because ladies just don't think of their man's sessual needs on their 500 bullet point To-Do list.

Recognition is the first step. Asking for help is the next. And, ladies, the Love Doctor is in the house.

I'm not gonna tell you WHAT you need to do to your man, but I'm gonna help you recognize the signs that your man is about to come apart like a cheap suit.

Stage 1: Bliss
Depending how well you threw it to your man, this stage could last anywhere from a few hours up to a week. Left with starry eyes and, in the case of getting some really good lovin', permagrin. There is nothing that can phase your man. Much like Katrina, he's Walking on Sunshine.

Stage 2: Happiness
Your man is in a good spot. He's pretty content with life. He'll massage your feet after a hard day's work, do what you ask the first time it's requested and answer most annoying questions with "oh, yes dear." He's even known to walk up behind you and sneak in a kiss on the neck with a sweet "I love you, you're the best."
This might be the best stage if you're a woman. Your man is not inebriated with love like the Bliss stage but he's still floating high and very agreeable.

Stage 3: Anticipation
The love hangover of Bliss and Happiness has tapered off and now your man is coming down. He's starting to wonder when it's gonna be his time to clock in again. He's mostly agreeable but his focus is gone a tad. Expect him to zone out during conversations as he's mentally undressing you.

Stage 4: Mild Confusion
Your man's mental facilities are compromised a bit. He starts losing things way too frequently... wallet and car keys go missing on a near daily basis. Unaware of his inability to be discreet, he's often caught looking for way too long at pretty girls on the street, perhaps even mumbling to himself as they walk by. Most tasks requiring any focus become difficult. The quality of his work also suffers. If your husband were to appear on "Are You Smarter Than a Catatonic Amoeba", Vegas might give even odds.

Stage 5: Bitterness
Okay ladies, at this point you've just been holding out way too long. This is your last chance to rectify things before they go spiraling out of control. Your man has traded confusion for anger. Now he thinks you're withholding sex just to be hateful. He may or may not be correct. Although you're oblivious to what's going on, your man remembers the exact date, time and lunar cycle in which he scored. Your man's failure to cooperate with even the most simple tasks is quite simply written off by you as "Gary's just being an ass." During this phase don't expect the toilet seat to be put back down, the dog to be fed, trash to be taken out or the mother-in-law's ass to be kissed.

Stage 6: Scorched Earth
This is it. The final stage. It's all out... ON!! I spend so much of my life in this stage that I have to pay rent. Your man has gone from needing loving so badly to completely shunning it, and he's taking everyone down with him. Forget the toilet seat up/down argument; he'll leave it down so he can use it as target practice. The look in his eye's rivals Michael Jackson's in the Thriller video. Don't count on your man to do ANYTHING productive. Also, don't expect to hear anything sweet come out of his mouth as he starts dropping the F-bomb around ministers, your children's teachers and your family. He's on a scorched earth campaign and is going to try and make your life miserable. You think he forgot your birthday, Valentine's Day or your anniversary? Hell no he didn't forget. He's sending you a message. And his anger might even spill out to your friends and family via biting sarcastic quips-- "oh yes sir, I love being married to your daughter. I feel like I got a 2-for-1 deal; a wife and a live-in nun." Ladies, you're no longer in a do-it-one-time-fix mode. You can't bail out the Titanic with one bucket; you just created a lot of work for yourself and now you're in for the long haul. You're only hope is to pull out that Victoria's Secret charge card and put on some hot lingerie and a willingness to try new things.

So ladies, I hope I helped out here. Keep a watch on your man. And remember, the best medicine is preventative medicine.

Sorry Ladies, You Brought This One on Yourselves

Your Monday Pics

Great, Thanks for Clarifying


Awwwwwwwe, You Know Just How to Wooo the Women. You Had me at "BBY"


Insert Your Own Joke Here (thanks for the pic Alissa)


I Hope the ATF Does Not Come Knocking On My Door Over This One


Right to Bear Arms Beatches !!


Wonder If You're Redneck?
Hint #24, You Got One of These for Valentine's Day


Wonder If You're Redneck?
Hint #32, You Have One of These on Your Car
(is that one of those "Got Milk" ads with Dale?)



For Real, This Truck Came Out While I was Still in High School. I Think it's 454 Cubic Inch Engine Barely Fits in My Living Room


FedExForum-- Memphis Humiliating C-USA Runner-Up, Tulsa


Hot... Both of 'Em


FedExForum-- Is This Guy Going to the Shooting Range or Listening to the Game?


Mmmmm, Love Tennessee Orange


Not Sure if The Way to Score is to Have LP Drink This or I Whack Her Over the Head With It. Plz Explain Next Time, Cyp


In the Movies, When the Wife is Caught Sleeping with the Immigrant Yardboy, Isn't He Always 20-Years-Old and Rippling with Muscles? Cyp, Donde Es Dora y Boots?


'Cuz I'm a Cowboy, On a Steel Horse I Ride... I'm Wanted (Wanted) Dead or Alive


My Favorite Mug. Why Does Coffee Taste So Much Better Out of This Mug? Weird Brain Games.


Damn, That's Just Cold April

Skank is as Skank Does

Good to have editors for garyzyriek.com. My focus for today was going to be a special "Hot or Not" starring Ashley Dupree, but my editor (me) decided to switch gears after I read today's paper.

I was standing in my kitchen drinking coffee reading the Com-Appeal (which is a newspaper worthy of inducing vomiting all by itself) and just getting absolutely sickened reading about Ashley's new-found fame.

Okay, let's get the straight. This is a person who performs sexual acts with random men for money. Do we agree that that by itself is wrong?

She has dudes do their business in, on, with and around her. I reckon you can get all the above if you pay enough since her morality has a price tag on it.

NY's governor had to suffer the greatest humiliation ever, his family dragged down with him. What he got was deserved; I truly feel badly for his family, however. They did not deserve that.

But what does Ashley get? Five-million hits on her MySpace page, 200,000 song downloads (yeah, when she's not playing with guy's tallywhackers for money, she's an aspiring musician), potential book deals and potential layouts for Hustler and/or Penthouse. We're talking a substantial monetary leap for her.

Remember when we used to kick it Hester Prine style? She'd be locked up in the stocks and forced to wear a scarlet letter for her remaining days. Had this been the Middle East, she would have suffered a stoning until she was dead.

But, God Bless America. This is how we honor the lowest creatures among us. And that just gives me more fuel for my belief that we've traded our morals for fame and this world.

Ashley at least deserves the same fate as her #9 John-- humiliation, isolation and the ire of the public.

Hester Never Got 5 Million Hits on Her MySpace Page for Being a Whore

Quick Photo Post

My special glass that I only get to use at Zack's House




Ahh, my 'hood life.

This car is at a house around the block from me. They usually keep it under a tarp but when any wind kicks up they display it in all its magnificence. I think it's kind of a "fixer upper."


And how dare them desecrate the Corvette emblem by putting it on a Lumina.


I did not realize the Brits took over Walgreens. Isn't that supposed to read "colour"?


This is how you fix a dog's aural hematoma-- split the ear then put it back together like a quilt. I sure hope there's a volume discount since that one ear set me back $1,100.


I patented the name for these things-- "Chi Ties"
If you ever buy a child's toy you'll find no less than 600 of these items used to mount the toy to carboard. They suck and I despise the 8-year-old Chinese girl who affixes toys with these darn things

The Most Brilliant Business Idea... EVER !!!

You ever wonder why 3rd world countries are exactly that... 3rd World? Some have legitimate claims to lack of resources, but some work really hard to keep from developing.

Today's Target: Zimbabwe

President Robert Mugabe, campaigning for upcoming elections, has signed a new law requiring foreign- and white-owned businesses to hand over 51% control of their operations to blacks, state media reported Sunday.

Oh, that's, uh, pretty cool. So you get to have your business owned in majority by some random because you're either white or the business is foreign-owned?

With that line of thinking I think President Mugabe could be elected Memphis' "Mayor for Life" should he ever decide to come stateside.

I'm also sure many Democrats are like "now THAT'S what we had in mind with Affirmative Action."

BTW-- I'm not sure how I'm gonna get t/ today's posting without generating a flood of emails accusing me of being a backwards thinking, cousin-poking, hillybilly, redneck.

Basically, Zimbabwe is retaliating against British rule and the racism brought by it. Fair enough, take back your country fellows. But there's a downside, right?

Since the government began ordering the seizure of white-owned farms in 2000, production of food and agricultural exports has slumped drastically.

Oh, so clearly the program works... NOT.

If it's true that the people of Zimbabwe have been oppressed by British rule and have not been afforded the luxury of things necessary to run a business like education or job skills THEN WHY THE FRAK WOULD YOU TURN OVER YOUR BUSINESSES TO THESE PEOPLE?

Perhaps it's because you're a short-sighted, hateful tyrant who can pass such stupid laws because it's a popular idea among the masses-- I'd love to get something for nothing, too; especially if it's 51% of someone else's business.

In fact, I call dibs on FedEx when da man starts dividing up Memphis businesses to the minorities (white people are the minorities in Memphis BTW).

SEC as Middle Eastern Countries

Thanks to Big B for this one...

ALABAMA: Saudi Arabia. Once a proud kingdom, torn up by fighting and surrounded by Iran and Iraq (see below), with an irate Al-Qaeda hell bent on bringing them down.

LSU: Iran. Current superpower in the region but it will all come crashing down because they have a highly functioning retard as a leader.

TENNESSEE: Iraq. Got a bunch of history but the country as a whole is going in the tank and they will kill themselves off before it's all over.

FLORIDA: Syria. Evil empire which will stoop to whatever level they need to win. No real history to speak of but thinks they are the cradle of civilization.

GEORGIA: Kuwait. Tons of riches and unrealized potential, but still vulnerable to Iraq.

AUBURN: Al Qaeda. No country just a movement of disgruntled fanatics who live to blow up those who are more fortunate. No other goal in life than to bring down the House of Saudi Arabia. Terrorizing the Arabians for 6 years is the only achievement in their history. Signing day was a major setback
to the movement. They'll be looking for a new leader soon.

ARKANSAS: Palestinian Territories. No one really cares or worries about them unless they can be of some use (i.e. winning a battle once in a while against Iran that causes a bit of shake up in rankings)

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Qatar. Where the hell is Qatar?

OLE MISS: Afghanistan. Not much going for it, but hot women.

VANDERBILT: Israel. Just leave them alone for God's sake. What did they ever do to you?

KENTUCKY: Morocco. Not really part of the Middle East. Has other things to do than fight (or play football)

SOUTH CAROLINA: Libya. Had a charismatic leader in a land of nothingness. Will rattle his sword but knows he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to back it up with.

ALSO...

MEMPHIS: all of the SEC's weapons are developed there but immediately shipped out for warfare.

My Thoughts Exactly

DannyR, the historian, pulls quotes that indicate Memphis has always been a urine-soaked Hell hole.... oops, sorry kids. Let me censor that... pee pee-soaked heck hole.

Tired of life? Try Memphis...